being invited back into the waters that once nearly drowned me

 

  I was angry. I was angry and it was really scary, my breath was faster and couldn't calm down. Even listening to a podcast about letting go and feeling that I was moving in to an expansive space. I was quickly furious again after. 

I spoke with a new friend and she said that anger is motivating, I spoke about how I'm really trying to obsessively be in the present with things.. and then we eventually said bye. 

Now I'm HAPPY. I am really really angry, but I can smile. This is what I'm needing to be right now. What I don't express, what I don't let myself feel. I am angry. About a lot of things and it makes sense, these are anger-causing situations.

So, basically I wasn't sure what I was going to do once I moved back to the Valley. I have been sensing that there will be a whole new path but I'm not sure what it is, so I have been following the invitations and saying yes and saying no and just seeing what happens. And then, a quiet little whisper turns into a beautiful morning at this little dream of a school, with chickens in a parents yard. I can hardly say yard, because it's more of an acreage.

I felt a warmth towards the teachers and most important a connection with a few of the children. I felt I had come home, that there was a return.

I felt the sudden threat of losing the life I had had before and the other pulls on my heart. Because I felt I was going to be there and unfold there and bring my giftings and my strengths there!!

Then I had coffee with Cheridy and it all kinda felt off. She was going to be taking the Kindergarten position. I was shocked and didn't realize it wasn't a permanent offering to me. Whatever thoughtfulness and reverence of wanting me that I had felt, was gone. I felt forgotten and like one in a mix of many others.

Then I found out Lucia had been approached as well, and it just got so crazy. Like too many people were connected to this school. Then on the invite Rebecca was there, and Marussia. 

I know they are friends and I have forgiven or moved beyond what happened and into a place of restoring the love and letting go of the mess. And yet, my first reaction was dread and a feeling that a cloud was coming into my little answer for where I was to root.

Hmmm..   I guess in my heart there is forgiveness, but we will need time to walk it out. And the forgiveness happened because I wanted to keep the children in my life and they were the parents, so I didn't have the luxury to know how I truly felt.

So now I walk with this double vision, I see a beautiful dragon with shimmering wings and soft rainbow colouring.. and then as she turns black leathery wings and fire just beneath the skin and a whispering against me. 

Trust. Is a delicate thing. 

I need to be somewhere where I am free to be me, completely 

that is who the children need. That is who the children deserve to be with. 

That is the world where I belong 

loved and loving - it's my heartsong.