trauma: the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences.
what my dad experienced was being adopted as an older child, seeing others wanted and being unwanted.
Then when he was adopted, his mother happened to come from a large family where her mother never said i loved you, and where she was a caretaker of her siblings and therefore not mothered herself.
My grandma's message: You are not loved. Be resilient and do your work.
My Fathers message: You are not wanted/valued/welcomed. Work hard no one has your back.
My message: You are too much! You will never belong or succeed in the real world.
Thank Goodness I am a Pisces Day Dreamer.. I had not a lot of interest in the real world. I was fine with the imaginary ones and also the spiritual realms betwixt and between all worlds. I sang, talked to god, loved animals and later boys.. and my friends a lot !! That was me at 10. Me now, I sing, I talk to god or the spirit presence i sense, or my inner grandmother or child spirit self... love all the things in nature and my friends..i love my friends. As a child all i needed to be happy was a pencil and paper, and now it's the same. Seriously.
Take my phone away! Please!
I am a sunburst. But only when I have been warmed first. I cannot warm myself, but once I have found just a little warmth I run off to warm everyone else!
But I do need someone to smile at me, or hug me, or say something kind. Sometimes I can smile or even laugh all on my own.. but usually something has stirred it. A sense of peace. A moment of gratitude. Seeing my shadow or spilling coffee and noticing it is the shape of a mermaid rising from the waves (yes this happened, yesterday i believe, and yes I took a photo)
Take my phone away! Please!
What is astounding or just curious to me is how much I love colour and how long it took me to write in colour in this blog. Is this evidence of things changing even outwardly. Perhaps.
In my notebook it is all pen until I mention wanting to be with Tim and his family and by the locks in Ottawa again. That is written in colour. It turns out that colour returned to my life or a particular lost colour when I did finally see him, his family and was downtown.
watch for signs, watch for who comes into your life and watch for colour.
My hair is purple and magenta right now. I first dyed it this colour to honour and celebrate Mabel. The feistiest elder I'd ever met. The first to show me little old ladies are not the sweet and innocent woman I had imagined them to be. My hair is purple now, because I was really in a fog and thought I should do something and having a bath seemed like a good idea, and there was wine involved and then hair dye (which as it filled the bath I was delighted with, until of course, it stained the bath a light blue colour and I had to get a work out making it all white again..sigh..)
I am going to see three children and a mom this week. They are all blond. I immediately realize that I won't fit in, that I missed my chance to be part of the crew. Even if just to be matchy-matchy. Had I thought it through I would not have chosen this week to dye my hair.
But alas, it's meant to be or that's what I sense anyway. An encounter with someone I greatly admire who I would wish to be. Well, I cannot be her for she is blond and I am many shades of purple. Important. As I try to walk in the world as me.
She has invited me to play with them. That is an offer I can safely accept with only wonderment in my eyes and happiness in my heart. I will see three children who remember me, who miss me. I will begin my Springtime in this new ocean city with three little friends and a momma who refused to give up on me -told me often she loved me - and reminded me of my magic.. even when I shook my head saying I had lost it or my confidence had been shaken.. she said I still shone.
I barely believe her. But I'm staying close to anyone who loves me that much. To anyone who sees how important children are to me. And to anyone who brought into the world a girl who has kept me as a treasure for so many years.. never knowing if I would come back to her.
By your art and exploration of the cosmos never ceasing
your stories better than my own, ever so far reaching
your thoughtfulness and genius as you shelter the earths creatures
your protection of a stone once transformed into a cottage
your eyes so wide i cannot wait to see
i am so deeply honoured
you have remembered me
and with our meeting so meant to be
my own inner world about to be set free
i will carry my weight with levity
because i share the world with thee.
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