EXPOSED

  

We move through the world

this wide web ever shifting

The ebbs and flows

at once gentle and then frightening

It all falls on encounter

to whom we are looking.

Do they see us? Do they really?

Are we safe in this meeting?

We hear shrill chatter, Seems it will never stop coming

Sense things we can't see, Hear things that are disarming.

Longing to run to the mountains, Airborne Greetings!

To be all alone in the wild of this world

Hearts beating

To dive deep and be lost in the breadth of life

Height of aliveness

But what of the long road and what of the strangeness?

And what of tired bodies

the second when everything turns

This stunning darkness with radiant night stars

becoming an ink too thick to transfigure

within and without this sensing of danger.

What of that clarity that sings in our ears

this new longing to be understood by our tears? 

To have feet on the earth, to be present

To know grace

To simply be here with all we have tried to erase.

You may climb a glacier

and yet your soul shake.

What propels us forward 

to what must we be awake?

There is no greater pull upon each of our hearts

it may look so different but it's there from the start

With the first time we say, 'i can do it myself!'

to the one who risks unmasking the disguise of themselves

The courage for love and a heart that is soft

are not these openings between people really 

cliff jumps

Oh expansion is incredible!

Whether planned or a whim 

going farther we often find we are going within

and the wider our sphere the clearer our view

if we ever come home then we see what is true

Without one another we shelter ourselves.

Speaking our own words of healing over our doubts.

Building tents in the rain hoping light dispels the grey

unable to truly escape the question of, 'Will I be okay?'

As we slide into spaces that offer us rest 

How do we know where we've chosen is best?

Perhaps like a small snake under a shoe

when we feel the worlds too much 

we must do what we must do

and the hand that is offered, we must take - we must trust!

At some point in our journey we must see 

it's not just us.

Tremors

       i am not sure i love the ocean anymore.

       it was my greatest love, Mother - Sister - Cosmos I could inhabit
       Life. There was never a time I wasn't drawn to jump into the waters
       Never a time it didn't erase all worry and wondering. Never a time I
       didn't feel reborn.

       but this cleanse was too close to a going under and never returning
       i still don't know what happened and i have told too many people, although
       i have barely told anyone.

       Just a new friend who happened to come by, I hadn't planned too but she was
       so very present to me. I knew I could trust her completely. Then my sister. Which
       turned out marvelously. She has felt something was off, had sensed something around
       that very hour.

       I can still feel the dark waves too close and too strong, going in three directions, signs
       of a current.

       Then I told my Mother. And that was not great, but luckily she was not the first I told.
       The longer I go without telling you, the stranger it feels and yet, "What do I say?"

        Why is the thought of you still there? Still. After he rescued me. After he risked his own
         safety. For me.

       I wanted to live and I thought that was being more risky, if so, maybe it is not living I
       desire but existence. Just being.

       I long for a small space. For arms tight around me. I am still scared. Well, it was only
       two days ago, but i know what it is to almost be gone and in a terrifying way.

        As the time approaches when I long for the ocean, I find myself ignoring the sunlight
        and wanting to stay home. Feet on the ground. Hoping that my heart steadies.

plants

 when you're all alone
in your home
do you think the plants are listening to your thoughts
do you think they care
or are they just waiting for water
and by now
how come they haven't figured that out
how come they aren't smarter
and be tiny trees and root where they need to
and find all they need to survive

tiny plants in a house
is it like catching a bird and having it in a cage
is it like a fish in a bowl
are they sad
do they feel like we're protecting them
or maybe they feel like they're apart of the family
they belong
are home

and is my cat
thinking that I've lost it
is my cat
just wanting the same thing as the plant
some water
some food

if it is isn't that rude
to just exist and offer nothing but cute

the plant at least is giving me oxygen
I'm sorry moon you offer me nothing
but cute
nothing but cute

you are so beautiful
so soft

but does that compute

notice me.

 You see I'm marked
You see its clear
I don't even try to hide my dear

Because I'm taking off my skin
If I could I'd shed it all right now
I probably wourldnt look to do
I might be ashamed
but there's something screaming,
Something Screaming

And it wants to get out
and I don't know how to find it
I can't reach in and just discover
it's not my guts, or my heart or my lungs

It's something deeper and further and higher and wider
and I can't explain it and I can't describe her
I don't know what it is
that I am searching for

But I am clawing at my skin, don't know where to begin
trying to transform in a mili second
And nothing moves that fast
and I cannot wait another minute

Nothing moves fast enough
and I want to be right in it
Give me the mess, give me the magic
I don't care I have had it
This is my last stand

And I look at myself and I know I'm beautiful
Look at myself and I know I'm truthful
Look at myself and I know that I'm innocent and I'm all messed up

I know I'm here and I know your there
and I know there are a million things between us

And this is that and up is down
and I wish I could tell you that being dizzy is not my favourite feeling but I think I may like madness just a little
more than sadness

And I'm telling you
This is me
It's always been here
but I couldn't be myself because I was full of fear

See I know who to be
If I want everyone to love me
I can be her
It's easy
I can be so well behaved
So in my cave
So in my cage


So much I think it's home

But something is screaming
And this is my last stand
Does anyone understand

I would break this computer but then I would have nothing to work on in the morning
That's not okay
I guess I'm not that badass after all

Cuz I should have the courage to smash a few things
There's my cat she's cute
Now I'll play the flute

I like my hair
not the glare
and it's really hard to stare.

   Hello
do you even see me
Hello
I am just beneath your feet
Tiny white
I would be such a delight
If you were smaller
If I were taller
And you could notice me
Notice me

But I am just a small wild flower
Just a little rain shower
makes me grow
I do wish I were louder
I'm just a little white

daisy

with a twirl i fall into an abyss

    here we go again

    how aptly titled this series of thoughts turned out to be.
   I am now 41

   At 40, I felt satisfied. I saw the everything of my life - the ebb and flow - the magic and the mundane and where i was. It wasn't incredible, but that was okay. I felt, meh.  And sensed this peace with it all. This was wonderful, this was what I heard would happen, this okayness with it all, this wisdom. Whatever hadn't happened. Hadn't happened. And what had been my life was suppose to be. And here I was with a dream of a white sand beach and rolling wavy ocean. Here I was with wine, and outdoor yoga. With travel and the hippie dream. 

This was all I wanted! My life was simple, like The Little Prince's planet. A boy. A cat. A woodstove and me. The ocean to visit and following the Moon. 

   At 41, all of that came unravelled. No, that is not strong enough, all of that was blown apart. All i have now are pieces and puzzles and layer upon layer of a broken heart. With questions and actions, with an explosion of truth. I felt it hit me hard.  "The Truth will set you free but first it will Piss you off"  This quote says it all. In may case, "The Truth will set you free but first it will pull you apart" This is the painful, the heart wrenching dark night of the soul. I didn't expect it at all, and I want to close up pandoras box and pretend it never happened - but some part of me that knows more and can feel her heart again, will not let me.

  oh. is this the gentle opening of all that i have hidden. Is this  me making all the mistakes i didn't.
Is this freedom, is this all a risk to everything beautiful i've found. What am I doing? What have I done? Or is this all coming along because of things I have wondered and is it leading me somewhere true and real and sweet in the end.

  

Awakening

 This Hurts
 All of it

 And then every once in a while I feel like i am seeing and feeling me. Perhaps for the first time.
 Realizing that such an immense amount of me has been hiding, fiercely terrified.
 That my heart has been locked up. Children are safe. Created realms are okay.
 But the world - I am so timid to navigate it and so desperately want to jump right in.
 Why such opposing forces? Because I was hurt and where I would be naturally curious and
 brave, I have been conditioned to fear. Debilitating fear. I wanted to distance myself from so
 much that was practical and I went too far. Yes, it made me whimsical, yes i love sitting on the
 ground when everyone else is in chairs, and speaking to the heart when I am in a financial negotiation. I'm quirky. Yet. This was all formed in me as I had to protect myself. As a child
 I had to parent myself. With a child's tools I did so. We laughed and sang and hid under blankets.
 But there was no one to parent me and so now when I am finally an adult myself, I crumble. I fall  apart. I become the hurting child.

Yet, there are moments. Though I want to run back to when I did not know this truth. There are
moments when I feel as transparent as the air and as alive as the fiery sunrise. New born. Amazed.
I am only a dazzling light.