with a twirl i fall into an abyss

    here we go again

    how aptly titled this series of thoughts turned out to be.
   I am now 41

   At 40, I felt satisfied. I saw the everything of my life - the ebb and flow - the magic and the mundane and where i was. It wasn't incredible, but that was okay. I felt, meh.  And sensed this peace with it all. This was wonderful, this was what I heard would happen, this okayness with it all, this wisdom. Whatever hadn't happened. Hadn't happened. And what had been my life was suppose to be. And here I was with a dream of a white sand beach and rolling wavy ocean. Here I was with wine, and outdoor yoga. With travel and the hippie dream. 

This was all I wanted! My life was simple, like The Little Prince's planet. A boy. A cat. A woodstove and me. The ocean to visit and following the Moon. 

   At 41, all of that came unravelled. No, that is not strong enough, all of that was blown apart. All i have now are pieces and puzzles and layer upon layer of a broken heart. With questions and actions, with an explosion of truth. I felt it hit me hard.  "The Truth will set you free but first it will Piss you off"  This quote says it all. In may case, "The Truth will set you free but first it will pull you apart" This is the painful, the heart wrenching dark night of the soul. I didn't expect it at all, and I want to close up pandoras box and pretend it never happened - but some part of me that knows more and can feel her heart again, will not let me.

  oh. is this the gentle opening of all that i have hidden. Is this  me making all the mistakes i didn't.
Is this freedom, is this all a risk to everything beautiful i've found. What am I doing? What have I done? Or is this all coming along because of things I have wondered and is it leading me somewhere true and real and sweet in the end.