going slow

Of course I am lost. I have no one to follow this time.

And though their is wonder in the pathless woods, whenever

I am in the woods I am finding the paths.. be them barely visible dirt ones

or sadly trodden on branches.. 

so i follow where others have gone before me and preferably

i do so while their boot is still visible just ahead.

I know who I want to be near, the life I would be happy within, but this doesn't seem

to be what is happening. Though I want to celebrate the lives of others, it just hurts.

I can adore them but it goes further than that. I feel farther from them and scared that

they will see how curious but clueless I truly am.

I will watch a wind surfer for hours. I will smile and be impressed as they jump

farther than you'd expect off the waves into the summer sky. I think maybe that's a 

water sport that I'd like to try. Then I see the strength of their arms as they grip the 

handle and pull against the force of the roaring wind. And I know that I could not

do that, not for long, maybe not at all. 

It's not that I think I shouldn't try, but I just wish I couldn't put myself so easily

into anothers life. 

I'm trying to find the path within me that will begin my path outside.

But I have always known my call but somehow everything is being swallowed in grief.

Even the encounters that were only ever happiness are now people far and relationships

muddling. More on the side of  a sorrowful thing.

Even you, busting away in the backyard caring for the plants and folding up the tent.

I offered to roll up one of the sleeping bags but I have mostly been inside watching.

I want to DO something, move my body into action, make ripples on this planet.

I have a concussion. I'm being told not to make sudden movements. To be in quiet and dark

when I can.

So right when I am tired of my thoughts and feelings, when I'm sick of journalling and resting.

I am told to go slow!

When do I get to feel my feet on fire again, my heart ablaze. 

back to school

 I am happy.

It's 12:03am on Sunday morning 

and it must be noted that I have a smile on my face

and I feel content maybe more than that

It could be that I had coffee only a few hours ago, certainly that could be why I feel awake

but the happiness, the feeling of suddenly being well rested, well adjusted, calm in spirit

full of expectation

is because my life is returning, I will step back into a world of schooling

the way I step into the sinking sand at the oceans edge

eagerly, slowly but with a wish to hasten

because it is deeply being alive, it is deeply seeing even as I am seen, it is growing in ways you cannot notice and in ways you can, and never knowing how you are lifting a soul as you help them understand. 

It is play! It is service! It is where I belong. It is feeling a constancy like the first notes of your favourite song.

It feels like after the longest and coldest of nights

here come the first warm rays of dawn!

My happiness could also be, at least in part, that we are talking. That there isn't the weight of unknown silence. There isn't that distance pulling on every hour of the day any longer.

We are freed to be here now. To be where we both are. 

Maybe happiness comes from feeling that things really are completely new. That there can be a new start. 

if i die tonight.. because i might

 Well goodbye

I am so glad you got to see my magic 

while I was alive

I was already symbolically dying

now I've bumped my head three times and I think

i might not be okay

something feels slower than it should

and i googled what it might be

so goodbye

I don't know if I'm okay with how I'm leaving this life

I am glad I can hear the crickets

I am in a hot pink tank top

bathingsuit bottoms

my hair almost darkened back to its original shade

and a toe ring

and a suntan

I guess actually I'm pretty okay

in this moment, writing a poem or something

my cat not far away

I just wasn't seeing

If this is my last evening here

and if my breath will disappear

It's hard to hold back tears

because this moment, I am totally me.

and I did my best. I wanted to be kind, to listen,

to be quiet when I wasn't feeling soft and sweet, i rarely let my anger surface and when it did i think you know how much it hurt me that it hurt you.

And I can hear the crickets

a car as life goes on

I wonder how my life will end

I feel the headache growing strong

and wonder if this is my swan song

though I just learned that they don't sing before they're gone

I am quiet. I will never touch every leaf, every flower, I will only see a few sunsets in my life.

I have to trust this mandela on the sand and trust the rising of the tide

so goodbye

and if i ever loved you know that i never wanted to leave you.. but i can't be everywhere.. and there were so many of you in my heart

and a few shone brighter because i know I was in yours too.

I am sorry I wasn't more for all of you.

Just know, I had to take time to listen

to the crickets song too.

This isn't summer

 

      This isn't summer!

I say to myself

    who spends their summer indoors

when it's tropical paradise literally minutes from where you are?

   who spends their life this way?

another me fearfully whispers

   you have been trying to overcome this since you were

eleven!

  well, then, this is the last time!!

At forty four?  a bit late.

shut  up! I yell at this hopeless me

shut up! this matters

 it just has to be,

There will be more summers I have to believe

there will be more smiles

and times to feel free.