if i die tonight.. because i might

 Well goodbye

I am so glad you got to see my magic 

while I was alive

I was already symbolically dying

now I've bumped my head three times and I think

i might not be okay

something feels slower than it should

and i googled what it might be

so goodbye

I don't know if I'm okay with how I'm leaving this life

I am glad I can hear the crickets

I am in a hot pink tank top

bathingsuit bottoms

my hair almost darkened back to its original shade

and a toe ring

and a suntan

I guess actually I'm pretty okay

in this moment, writing a poem or something

my cat not far away

I just wasn't seeing

If this is my last evening here

and if my breath will disappear

It's hard to hold back tears

because this moment, I am totally me.

and I did my best. I wanted to be kind, to listen,

to be quiet when I wasn't feeling soft and sweet, i rarely let my anger surface and when it did i think you know how much it hurt me that it hurt you.

And I can hear the crickets

a car as life goes on

I wonder how my life will end

I feel the headache growing strong

and wonder if this is my swan song

though I just learned that they don't sing before they're gone

I am quiet. I will never touch every leaf, every flower, I will only see a few sunsets in my life.

I have to trust this mandela on the sand and trust the rising of the tide

so goodbye

and if i ever loved you know that i never wanted to leave you.. but i can't be everywhere.. and there were so many of you in my heart

and a few shone brighter because i know I was in yours too.

I am sorry I wasn't more for all of you.

Just know, I had to take time to listen

to the crickets song too.