A giggle in the night. Maybe I will be alright.

 

  You are becoming more beautifully yourself

with no apology and i think i have freed you with my decisions

set you on a course so clear

but i wonder if as you come together on the outside

you are becoming something new within

and i don't feel any closer than when things looked together

Did things ever look together? 

I say I'm sorry I didn't make you my priority

that i let myself stay free and loved the whole world

but you i forgot 

you i could never fit into 

you wouldn't let me

wouldn't let me

i'm made to mold myself to someone else

but it just would not work with you

we are two worlds that met in the early hours of those

hazy powers

love makes you someone else

gives you listening skills and wild embraces

and hours to be in eachothers arms in silences that go on and on 

and the thing is

no one can sustain this bliss

but why did i have to blow it all up why couldn't i see my traumas as a block

never realizing who it was i was fighting for 

you never said a word against me and i condemned myself

oh hell

it's so complicated now

And you are more beautifully yourself

and i don't know how to begin

and i think that loving you might be a sin

what i mean is that the thing that i've always done is to be no one

and now, if the conclusion is more of you and less of me

then have i not set out to do the very damn thing that slowly

unravelled our love

How do I love me and love you? 

Where's the us of it all? This blended unity that's indestructable.

We did love like a kindness

like a service

like a gentle breeze

We did love, like don't focus on that 

if there's a problem just let it be

And I did love, like who i am is far too much for you and I'm all wrong and terribly sorry.

And you did love, like whoever you are is okay, but you looked away.

You looked away.

while I was looking.. and I just loved harder for the both of us

and where did you go?

I remember not knowing what to do past adoring

Once i waited all day for you to come home, my living paused. 

I wish I could make a hearth and home but no one ever showed me

I wish I could have understood how to get you to know me

But all i knew was Love was never leaving even though you should

and Loving is real when it hurts

and Loving isn't easy isn't something sweet or true

It's something you endure through

If I had a wish, it would be to let go of all of this

completely and just see if you called me

I don't think I have a home, I often feel I'm all alone.

I know it's feelings but my little heart.

It only knows how to embrace, and how to try and value those I meet

it's easy to adore them all, they shine so brightly, they live so rightly,

I've been lost for a while. 

Maybe it's time, to put away my rhymes and let this be the last entry in this narration of my life.

To quiet everything. Even the words that pour from my finger tips on dancing keys

How do I find ease. Because I think that lost and found in time. Is more of who I am.

There's nothing to solve. I lose my ground, I lose it all, I lose myself and I find everything I never

could have without the falling. 

                                                                                            Like that underground smile.

babies cry when they are born

 

    I awake to a silence that is no longer sweet

    where is the all encompassing embrace of quiet

     that has deeply soothed me

     I feel alone in this house

     left behind

     maybe this is how I have always felt 

     that somehow I'm missing something 

     not doing life quite right

    The surgery was sudden

    there was a risk that i could have died

    a scientific probability

    and these things happen

    people are gone for lesser complications

   

    but i am here

    so why am I not feeling an inner sunshine

    or some kind of joyous glow

    tears are right there, ready to fall

    and i cannot translate what is it they need to say

    this time at all

    Shaky I suppose if I had to choose a word

Maybe I'm learning how to be here all over again

 in this completely unknown world.

    

   

i say it's all crumbling while i hold the earth in my hand

 

     Without a perfect ending

without a choreographed move

without a graceful bowing

    right in the middle of an ordinary 

conversation

                          the silence between us resumes

and only a few days after 

i am asked to let go for good

and i know that that's not in my power

  with a head in a fog from not enough sleep

the gorgeous bright sunlight of a brand new day

that i will not touch

it all seems so disjointed

but that isn't my truth

if i surface from it or dive a little beneath it

I am happy right now. 

there is sunshine on green hedges

beautiful wild flowers in vases around my home

gifts from him

little things

things that matter more than all we will never be

somehow

a cat curled up sleeping in a fuzzy ball of greys and brwns and blacks 

one white tipped paw extended

this is a beautiful beautiful day

this is an emaculate life. 

i am smiling 

with a secret whisper i can barely hear wrapping itself around me

you are wrong. i know you don't feel it

but I am here!

the silence is here

morning is here

the pain in my head

the pressure of my foot on the glass tble

my hunger

my sorrow 

and my unknown tomorrow

this summer sunshine for only a while longer

the smile on my face

that's only getting stronger

the tear of relief 

from what's always beneath

the living is greater 

the living is louder

what of thsess wondering?

what of relationships?

what of deep longing for closeness

what of our distances?

there is the Moon still so bright in early day

the closest it has ever been 

and i am completely okay