The Wonder of Witchiness

 

        So someone called me a witch, and I grinned from ear to ear with the honour.

   I never thought that this little space for writing me, would reveal my spiritual shifts so obviously.

But let me say, that I take comfort in the verse of the bible that Speaks of God as Mother bird. That image works for me. I'm good with Creator as well for I do think it was all brought into being by artistry and intention.. but I have to say that I deeply feel held by Mother Earth and the changing of the seasons, and while I can appreciate Lent, the Sabbath, Easter morning.. I really feel the depth in following the sun as it dims and returns - Solstice fires and everyday sacredness of the creatures all around. Myth and Magic mean so much, and I haven't lost Jesus, not entirely, I just see how the world hasn't made much room for the real role of woman and the wisdom that comes and the way they can be tapped in. 

My heritage, whats in me is Christian - for sure, but Christian Mystic is far more fitting and now Earthling listening to the mysterious connection between everything and everyone.. and the Moon and the stars and all they speak to of personality and purpose. 

Growing up it was wrong to even consider astrology, and yet a read a book about the Moon Signs (and Sun signs) and when I read my sign I almost wept - never had I felt so seen. It made everything make sense, I finally realized that the things I couldn't reconcile within me where suppose to be that way, that I simple could see both sides. And my love of the water and all of it. 

Pisces and Gemini. Of course I'm so overwhelmed, a mystery to myself most of the time.

I am most drawn to Taoism. To not being anything in particular and ending up therefore being you.It's fairly freeing and there is more to it than that of course. The Tao is the source, pattern and substance of everything that exist

Yet in all of this, I can suddenly hear a hymn and feel myself pulled near to God and like I was alone by choice because God was always there just waiting for me to remember. 

As I write this, I have ashes on my head. It is the time of Lent. And I like the Saints. And Mother Mary and the rosary. 

So I go along until something seems in conflict. Then I have to stay with it, and maybe paint a picture find a way to find the whole in the hole :) 

to be continued.. because I haven't talked about plants, and tinctures, and rocks with history

whose to say it isnt all magic

 

                                                  From Dust you came and to Dust you will return

                                                but whose to say its not all fairy dust   

          with a whisper and a wish 

           i'm gonna figure out this 

           how to take what i have always known

           and then edit with the ways that i have grown, 

           deeper and sweeter and  wiser and brighter and stronger and clearer and truer and farther 

           re naming not blaming

           until fear grows small 

           and i find i'm laughing in spite of it all

           breathing in alignment and the sense of deep magic

           breathing in it's all okay and it does blend together  

           especially where you thought it wouldn't 

           in the places you couldn't fathom 

           this wont be easy, but it's my work to do

           to live in this opening without falling through!

         

                                         

a true unknowing

 

  How to begin? 

  when i am going to be more vulnerable than ever before. 

 I am forty one nearly forty two, i have only a few weeks to go and rather than being more clear on who i am and closer to a life well lived, i am coming completely undone.

  I see three paths for myself, one is to be with someone i miss and see how it goes. that path is the most unknown.. it is the one that seems to be going backwards.. i would not be on the island, at least not at first and i would upset a lot of people and hurt someone who i never ever ever want to hurt. 

 This is the path that is calling me.

 Then there is the deepest call to have a child. To know it now as my eggs diminish as the ones that remain could be healthy or could be damaged, just from waiting too long. It's too painful to think on.  I still have all the fears and wonderings that have kept me from embracing pregnancy thus far. But, i think if i never have a roundness of belly and never feel a child squirm from within me, It will be a harrowing loss. One I am not ready for. I am scared, so scared. It feels that the chance may have already passed me. I am weakened by this thought.

There is adoption, the original dream, the path I saw as the way when pregnancy had no shine for me. We have started the process, what? three times now. Something always slows it down or causes it to be shelved for a while.

And now. Now to pursue being a mother when things are the most unsteady than they have been ever?

It doesn't seem wise, but I am only growing older. And this week when the snow fell for a few days and then began to melt, when it was fall - then winter - then spring in one month. This is how fast life is going for me. 

And I want to say that whatever happens will happen, but i do feel in all this that i must choose a direction. My heart is still steadily wanting to go home and let that strong happiness be mine for a while, and yet if I go now, am I giving up my last hope to have a child within me (if, as i've said the time has not already passed) 

So mostly I'm scared because I don't know where I'm going. 

So what brings me peace is just this unpacking. Getting rid of what I can and letting my world grow small.and I suppose watching and feeling it all. 

Alastair and I had two beautiful nights under the moon. It was fleeting but so special. And it felt that we were becoming something new. Our feet in the snow, me in a goddess gown. I was being me and he was around. And there was the tree that inspired it all. 

This tree like a doorway to something magical. A realm that only opens once in a while. 

And then there are more flowers around me then Ive ever received. There are many colours of tulips blooming and gerba daisy's - the first flower that from Alastair I received. And then in another window a single rose stands so tall. Three types of flowers, that speak to it all. 

Devotion and reminising. A beginning again. And he said, his flower shopping he didn't want to bring to an end. He wanted to buy more to keep gathering and gathering. 

There's a Robin outside, trying to pull from the earth something. 

I guess I'll keep cleaning this house that is ours, and just keep my distance from the other life that calls. 

I am a little bit angry at the whole situation. Without a storm in my heart, I would know my direction.I would be able to drink in all this bliss, a new house, the bright sunshine on unexpected sparkling snow and all between Alastair and I that's about to unfold.