the worlds within worlds

 

 would you like me to say hello to you?

 I could

 but that would be all I could say

 for I cannot say that when I came home today

 I wanted to find you here

 that as I took off my wet raincoat

I wanted to see your arms outstretched

sometimes life is hard

there are hundreds dying everyday from war

and in my little world

I have chipped my tooth and it feels the world holds no way into it anymore

I did not expect this

I wish there was some way to be together

without needing to be curled up 

your voice a whisper

maybe some day it will be raining and you will be near

slipping

 

 I have slipped beneath the seasons

and the laughter of children in the school yard

far beyond voices

and ordinary moments

I am consumed by the falling rain

like silver coins

tumbling down along some unseen track

I see bright pink flowers

that seem out of place

and I feel my body aching

my toes lifted like a ballerinas

aware I lift them slowly higher 

as I balance the computer on my lap

a thread of connection

though I write to no one

this rain, this ache, 

a candle lit but I cannot feel it's warmth as it is so small

the brightest thing

my still wet yellow raincoat

a nearly forgotten memory 

of this mornings walk 

lost in the waiting

 

   September strength is gone. October beauty is passing by. November rains have come.

And I cannot remember how to be amongst the children, marking time, and captivated by the world around them. 

I have been too long in silence. Wearing pyjamas. Keeping fear at bay.

Will I really awaken in the dawning of hibernation?

Will I really have my first day of life in Decembers dark days?

I know waiting rooms and hospital beds

I know my body weight is lower than usual.

I know my breath is still tight and I can't lift a milk carton yet

But I don't know the class routine and I haven't gotten to know the girl who loves

space.

And my school days will be shortened by nearly half.

And this morning as I walked past beautiful red leaves and mossy tree bottoms

I nearly cried

because it was like walking blind

I will light a candle and pretend I am cozy 

and not missing another day of my life. 

unspoken things go heard

 

 What if  I can't do this. 

  I have fought to keep my Spirits high or at least my heart open and curious as I have faced

the loss of back to school, a woodstove pizza party in the backyard of a windmill house with new friends, the ocean (as I am not to swim for a few weeks and by then it will be nearing winter weather), but this is asking too much of me.

  Tonight, Alastair flew to Ontario to be with family, to be with all the family. I would have flown for just one of these people, but to have so many be there. And it is Autumn, and it's for a wedding in Niagara on the lake. 

  And my heart is breaking.  It's breaking beyond tears. It's breaking beyond years. 

I do not know if I can trust this loss. 

Please, please give me something in this time that offers some kind of understanding of how I am not standing there, in Autumn winds, with my arms around people I love, maybe more than one at a time, smiling so authentically from the depth of my being. Loving and being Loved.

I am holding out ...

(too overcome with despair to type the words - barely hope.. barely.. hope.. my wish had scarsely left my lips.. entered air.. )

and the most incredible soul who has ever seen me truly and given me the words truer than i even had courage to speak - my witchy wonder sister spirit friend.. and her epic wild child are coming by, are staying with me. 

for just one night. 

if that isn't an answer to a wild eyed hopeless call in the night..

i do not know what is. 

You are still surprising me

 

     Well it happened again, this sense of wholeness, this calm washing over me that there was nothing more to do.. nothing more that needed to be done.. life was beautiful and everything was okay.

     the first time it was this sudden feeling that none of my dreams had to happen, i didn't have to go to peru and see machu pichu.  I didn't have to go anywhere. I didn't have to be anyone.  It was so incredible, to have all longing just hush.  Nothing was left to do. Everything was. 

    Everything was.

     And tonight, though my body hurts and there is a sense of unknowing about my health and if and when and all of that..  there is a peace.. there is a smile on my face that is larger than this room in how it feels

there is a connection, no a transfer - a flowing between us.. a sense of nearness

  and if we are okay, than everything is okay

  and i can simply breathe.   I can breathe in and breathe out and feel this deep rest.

  I am loved.

   and I don't need to ask again. 

   And the most incredible thing is that I no longer feel the deep desire to fall apart

   in safe arms.  I desire to be those safe arms.. I am those safe arms..

   There is gentle reciprocity, there is.. and like a breeze barely noticed that swirls through the

 trees causing them to dance to and for and for many to be torn from the branches, to fall to the ground, to crunch under feet. 

     i need only the lightest sprinkling of love..   it is yours, and i don't know why.

but i am so deeply content this night.

Something about you is intangible and so deeply necessary for my life.

You are having a time of pause. Stepping away from the focus of your days. You are finding a new direction. 

We are both shifting.  And it's October.  And we are in the Autumn of our lives.

The warmth of the summer sun still lingers, still teases us.. but the Winter winds are there to draw us onwards.. 

We are older. The time of day dreaming and molding oneself for others.. is over..

It is now time to breathe. Time to allow the very nourishing calm of everything getting ready to sleep. 

Time for russet leaves and golden sunsets.

Time.