unspoken things go heard

 

 What if  I can't do this. 

  I have fought to keep my Spirits high or at least my heart open and curious as I have faced

the loss of back to school, a woodstove pizza party in the backyard of a windmill house with new friends, the ocean (as I am not to swim for a few weeks and by then it will be nearing winter weather), but this is asking too much of me.

  Tonight, Alastair flew to Ontario to be with family, to be with all the family. I would have flown for just one of these people, but to have so many be there. And it is Autumn, and it's for a wedding in Niagara on the lake. 

  And my heart is breaking.  It's breaking beyond tears. It's breaking beyond years. 

I do not know if I can trust this loss. 

Please, please give me something in this time that offers some kind of understanding of how I am not standing there, in Autumn winds, with my arms around people I love, maybe more than one at a time, smiling so authentically from the depth of my being. Loving and being Loved.

I am holding out ...

(too overcome with despair to type the words - barely hope.. barely.. hope.. my wish had scarsely left my lips.. entered air.. )

and the most incredible soul who has ever seen me truly and given me the words truer than i even had courage to speak - my witchy wonder sister spirit friend.. and her epic wild child are coming by, are staying with me. 

for just one night. 

if that isn't an answer to a wild eyed hopeless call in the night..

i do not know what is.