I feel it

how i am standing up for myself and speaking clearly finally

the only thing is, i'm more than twenty years too late

and i'm defending myself against my fathers words 

but he is not here

you are

it's just the words that are hurting me or threatening to

so I find my dragon strength and roar at you

and the thing is that even if i were to find my fight to 

say to him it's not okay, that he cannot say those things, that he cannot treat me that way

he would be standing up against that

and his furry that i feel 

would be directed at someone from his past

his mother or perhaps all the people who were never there

so it's truly a task

to unravel it all

and hard to believe that it's not really the moment at hand after all

when you feel the energy turning to anger 

when you feel real tears filling your eyes

it is so very hard

nearly impossible

to remember that we have all lived other lives

Feeling my life fall into calendar squares

 

today was a day that i felt my life settling into days and patterns sprinkled with delight

today was a very good day

in the ways a day can be good

did i miss you. Yes. terribly. So much i didn't know what to do.

but today was a very good day aside from missing you.

Church.

It feels right to be there. I breathe in and out and i can let songs and words wash over me.

I can gently question and feel connected to the world and an ancient way of being. With a free

concert of such power and beauty. I am welcomed, it seems I somehow fit.

New Friend.

The surprise of someone who meets you from the heart right away, we are talking about gemstones and the meaning of loss and watching for signs. 

Speaking about seeing our own pain. I am so very new to this, I have felt it for years, but really seeing it and what caused it and being able to recognize when I am responding to my past in my present. 

Drinks at Gladstone, 

That feeling of being downtown at a pub. Talking and getting to know 

one another. Having a beer in your hands as the sunshine pours down on you.

The Ocean

Finding yourself at the oceans edge at sunset

Seeing a new place along the shore where you have never been before, in all of these years

there is still a perspective you have not considered.

* A short swim to feel the ocean on you, to be re-set, to find whatever feelings were whirling up and around inside you.. just gone.. gathered in your stomach - smaller - being digested

and some just washed away in the waves

Totem

Learning that where you have played used to be a burial ground. Tears well up. It used to be so much, teeming with fish and clams. Now the sand is becoming stones and  pebbles. The fish are certainly less than they were. This should not have happened, and when did someone allow feet to walk where bodies lay. 

Drums and a circle around a fire

oh fire! You seem so rare and so forbidden this summer.

Although i know you can be in this way, it still seems so very wrong to see a flame

As I rest into the knowing that it is okay, I feel the coziness and the rhythm makes it hard for 

me not to dance

There is a digeridoo and tall drums

And a happy guy who wants to chat and laugh. I am just too tired

and not sure I am ready to enter into the circle, I know how I am. I will be there all night once I start.

I will be revived and I will love being in the circle with these sounds.

I see a friend. She says that there is next Sunday.

Drumming by the Ocean every Sunday

What a beautiful way to begin a week.

what i know

 

    people are portals

    the sound of their voice

    their face when they smile

    and life is made of light

   and everything seem possible 

   and nothing is missing

   and no one can hurt you

   even death folds up his briefcase and slinks away

   for you are beginning again

   knowing with such clarity

   who it is that is apart of you

   where it is your feet belong

   and though it might seem to be saying too much

   i'm pretty sure in those minutes

   with those people

    you are transported 

    not to another time or place but rather to the very centre

    of love 

     with the sound of a voice

     with a face as it smiles

     and that is why you are you and my grandfather and every child i have ever laughed with

      that is why you are so much more than you are

   People are portals

   that carry you to the centre of love

trying to fill out a form

can it really happen like this?

half a glass of white wine &

a chocolate covered granola bar just eaten

kinda annoyed and near tears, but also not really caring

i am filling out answers of where I have lives and where I have worked and who I would list as a recommendation for me to adopt.

i am thinking of my friend who has been on this journey for a while. i have in my thoughts and my feelings since i was very young, and asked my parents to adopt.. and then in my twenties in Toronto when I crossed the street and sensed an invisible child holding on.. until the time I met a girl called Emily and was willing to throw all I ever wanted to the side and do whatever it took to have her.. I called Alastair near tears and said let's adopt her! 

and then I settled into sadness and found myself with so many children that adopted me in one way or another. Yes, I cared for them, listened to them, loved them, nurtured them, laughed with them, played with them, explored and lived and learned with them. But they were always keeping my heart in tact, giving me a reason to wake up, letting me into a world that glistened with the ever new and ever bright.

If having a child of my own along the way meant never knowing them.. well, i am grateful that it still hasn't happened. I am deeply grateful for all the hugs and hands in mine and look at this and falling down and climbing up and story times and rocking to sleep and circles on the back and loving gazes and I'm amazed-es! 

But I cried in the shower many mornings. I curled up in this deepest of shadows nightly. My heart cried out for what felt impossible at best, a wish lost forever and the splitting of my heart over and over.

It's okay. It may not be meant to be. It might not be part of your path.

But if there is something you have been thinking of and wanting and wrestling with for so many years, well maybe it's okay to try.. though the way is steeper and the worries deeper and the fear much nearer.

At forty two.

There is a child somewhere who has been waiting also. And we will meet and we will finally

feel a peace so eternally deep, a little like death, death of longing, death of waiting, and be able to breathe in and out not because we have learned how but because it is happening naturally.

There will be her. There will be me.

I never know why I picture a she.. when I bond so well with little's he's.. and whose to care for it's the spirit that is there.

Whatever and whoever they may be, I hope with all that I am, that they will be happy with me.

I'm tired. I have been tired for a long time. I need a break from any child that is not mine.

I love you forever all children I've known

but i need to have the courage to find the one that is my own.

the process begun and the waiting ever nearer

can i trust one more time? dare i hope in this hour? oh my child, oh my child. 

forgive me for my fear and my wanting things perfect before you could then appear.

The world is terrifying and you are so fragile, but it's worth it I think.

I hope you think so too. That living is worth finally fuckin' meeting you!

 

       You're waiting for the Fairy Godmother to come, following unicorn dust.

       It's frustrating to be on the side lines waiting for her to come.  

       She usually does.

       - Alastairs take on being married to me when I am unemployed

Mountain

 

                gently humming myself along this day

                 i feel so very changed 

                 i feel so tired and so connected to what i just dreamed

                 i was talking to some woman and they said, well what happened today?

                 i said I don't know, but i had a lot of learning, it was a time of learning

                 they said some children went to the concert and some children stayed

                 here, they said, they never cut glorias hair when she was young

                 when she was young

                 I remember her only vaguely

                  this woman who is becoming my guide, maybe just today

                  I have found her

                  I will never see mountains the same way again, and that I'm not ready

                  for. The distant smoothly rising so high, blue and purple as one vision

                   in the sky, now is rocks and pebbles and sand and lakes and muddy dried 

                   up puddles and snow, deep enough to walk in, snow feels just like the 

                   crystals i've always known

                    and they have those too   real crystals and snow crystals

                    Mountains are habitats they are so endlessly diverse I now 

                    begin to understand, the call to be amongst them for they

                     hold so much, especially in their silence

                      to be so full of so much and so still, that when the breeze passes by

                      there is no sound

                     no sound at all

                      and in all the rainbow shimmering sparkling stone

                       all the dry deserts and all the pools of gorgeous water

                       and cloud shadows

                       in all that the Mountain holds, for an afternoon it held me

                       I would like to just sit and just be

                        

on this new moon i begin to understand

when i lost Saltwater..

i thought - "oh so this is what doing right and being committed and loving and caring get's you"

misunderstood. abandoned. left outside or set outside.

i fell from the clouds that day.

and the reality felt refreshing, but not for long.

and that was that.

i had lived my life one way and gotten no where.

no child.

no dream job.

no where.

in fact i had lost my life. my world. my community. 

my trust in who i was. my trust in my intuition.

and i stumbled. through many blacked out days

until somehow there was someone who listened. and saw me, somehow.

in one conversation. then there was painting and seeing the world again

and then there was community. friendship. children.

and still.. it wasn't a fit.. i think i was grieving along side all of them

with them even.. i needed them to heal me.. i didn't realize this of course..

but my time there was so meant to be..

but what is this time of my story.

it's a not yet.

I'm still in the healing space, though beyond that community away from those kids.

i have their love from a distance and all the misses. 

but this is a time carved out for questions and encounter

but it's becoming a little too wild and a little too scattered.

i need to write.

i need to paint when i have time.

this has been a time of loss of those who were my heart anchors

of the people i wanted to thank for being so significant to my life

who touched my soul forever

and in this is painful conversations and time apart

and in this is letting myself feel all the complications of love

and when i come through it 

i will have who i have, i will know who i know, and i will hopefully

stand in myself - maybe for the first time.

actually happy. actually whole.

and then i'll be ready to answer what and where and how?

but i know i am in another place altogether - this is my ashram year.

this is my souls journey.

to find my

hearts call