i make my own unhappiness

All I don't have hurts.

What an eye opener reading this.

" The greater part of human pain is unecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life. the pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is"
                                                                    - Eckhart Tolle

 

I really and truly need to embrace the life I have.  Even if it's small.
I need to SEE what I do have.

* hot water
* sun rises - sun filled mornings
* treasures in the mail
* stars at night: i always forget to go outside and look. i'm not used to being able to see the stars.

Anyway, I think it's true, I make my own sadness from feeling the heaviness of all I have lost and the overwhelming awareness of all that I want and do not have.

I want to not want the things I want.

Perspective II

i was just thinking how annoying it was to not be able to find glasses that look great on me.
i said, it'd be nice to have six pairs.

then i came home and was looking into donating them overseas and there was a story about a woman who had not had glasses in 39 years. Because of the donated pair, she could now walk around town on her own, without needing someone to guide her around and an arm to lean on.

It just hit me, here i am with the ability to pay for corrective lenses, to be able to have clear vision.
And I'm spending weeks trying on glasses and contacts stressing over the decision of what look is most me - (most fun, most beautiful)

At the end of the day, whichever pair i choose, i will have VISION.


I am SO upside down and backwards. I am SO unaware. I am SO so sorry!

Perspective

I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet.
                                                                                                           - Anonymous

i didn't know

I have realized that I don't know if anything is true.

Not "ANYTHING" but the things I say. It seems like what is true is the quiet that finally comes over me - when I am sitting in the grass in the sunshine.. with nothing in particular on my mind. Being that much in the present is the only thing that is real.

I am grateful when it happens, though it is rare. I realized today that I might not be ready for a friend.
I mean, I thought I wanted to settle - to stop moving - to have a life here ( or somewhere soon) but I'm meeting people, they are being kind to me, i am being invited to things but it's just not clicking.

I think I need to admit that it's not clicking because I'm not clickable. Not now. Right now, while I crave community, I need solitude. I am happy with a book and with a slow and quiet day. It seems I may not be the gregarious outgoing girl I once was. What changed? Finding someone who loved me for me and let me embrace my quieter side or perhaps it was living in Japan and wanting to be sweet and soft spoken. Perhaps it's that I have always thought too much about everything and am just not able to put on "any sort of performance" even if it's just the performance of being "interesting"

When you're lost, you need direction, you need someone to follow. It's not a great time to take on the world, it's not a good time to be a leader. It makes sense. Things always do when I don't really think about it and am honest about what it is.

So, is what I'm saying now, truth. I don't know for sure, but i feel that it is close to it.

I write here often. Sometimes I am brave enough to post what I write, and sometimes I am not.
Once I prayed. I thought it might be neat to post it, but decided to keep that for me.(For now)
But, that's how honest I'm trying to be

Not hiding from myself.

p.s. the following are some posts i've been holding onto... also there are some from months ago just posted today, if you're curious you can look for them.