If we make it through this storm will our cheeks be rosy once more?

 

I have a counsellor - a lovely friend who said " we don't get to choose how we wake up" I am so very tired. But I cannot let myself return to sleep.. onwards.. with the caffein of hope.. a word i barely recognize. a word i cannot feel. But with the promise of a new day, i will breathe in, breathe out find my warrior pose and persevere 

Faith Hope and Love, but the most complicated mess of it all is  Love.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov'd,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

- William Shakespear Sonnet 116

Although it is the blushing and butterflies that draws me 

into the bliss of forgetful presence and racing hearts

It is the tempest that I want 

the tears, the anger at the world, and all the hidden pieces that would

shatter someone else

This is what I long to know, and wish to have

His hand in mine and the sense that he will remain, but i think if i must choose 

giddiness and giggling, or the steady flash of fire in the eyes

though it may come as a surprise

and though i wonder if I lie

I am certain I would choose the tempest every time 

- Alison Hunting response to Sonnet 116

From death to life

 

There are not many places I inhabit all alone. This blog I am realizing, like much of my writing is a cozy place to curl up and feel the utter abandonment of everything that is not me. I cannot tell a lie here and i trust that what I write - when I write it is enough to capture some essence of my life. And for those I am brave enough to share it with, that it may speak to their lives and bring a little smile or tear of resonance. 

You. You are my transition. I could not imagine leaving this house with it's wood and it's crackling dancing flames. It's dark and wondrous night time and it's gentle gentle redwood tree. It's immensity and coziness.  And yet, I almost left the island. I did in my mind and imaginings. I was far from the ocean and far from this house. 

How can I say I belong in the silence of the tall cedar trees with my feet or entire body in the waves of the cold sea? How can I say that, and find home in a dark room with sythe pop music playing or on a drive downtown or on a city street. I didn't know where I was half the time, but I was as happy as if I was with the ocean and I was with you - at least your voice, your presence. 

So I know that some of me, the very real me, is in places quite far from here. But I needed you to speed things up a little, to change the soundtrack of my days and to remind me of my strength. Just in time, because everything is spinning and at least a little of that spin was fun. You have gone away I think, but you came at just the right time.

But following my heart and letting myself be that happy and that talkative again. Fully accepted, dare I say embraced. Also leaves me with an awakening that I cannot just pack away as I pack my things. I thought I would talk to you this week and say goodbye to those feelings and those conversations as I said goodbye to this home.  But who am I to decide how our story ends. It doesn't. I am in the world and so are you and for some reason we still glimmer in each others lives.  I would like to be the whole damn sunshine, but i will be content to be one star. One star in the sky above you. I'm sorry that I cannot slip into your life and be an almost step mom to a boy who just turned twelve. I wish I could follow the laughter and my own transformation. 

But this awakening is shaking up all the pieces of my life that had gathered dust, and I am looking in the mirror for once and seeing the wrinkles on my forhead and facing the fears that I have long burried. I am ready to listen to his side of the story and to hold some room for his pain. I have been lost in my own for a very very long time. I could not speak, I did not know what to say. 

And now I do, for now I know exactly what is missing. Because it's there with you, so I know what I need from him - from me. I hold him to a standard that I would never ask of you. It's time for me to let him have a voice too. 

But it hurts and I want to run and I cannot run to you. I wonder if you know that I need to stand on my own feet and feel the earth and sun and really live in my own body, find my own dream. I wonder if you are silent to be kind or because it's what you need.  Could it be because you don't want to say words that seem angry or say things that will be too real. 

I know I love you. I know I am married. I know that I want to fall in love with this life. I think that maybe I can, if I can find the courage not to run this time but to enter the dark aching cavern of my hurt and find him there because only we know this place, know it too well, but perhaps this time (dare I hope!) perhaps this time we will find a new way out - instead of entering in darkness and exiting in darkness - perhaps this time we will find the path of light that will truly lead us out. Hand in hand together.

The cavern collapsing as we fall apart in relief and never ending laughter!!!

 This is the Month of November, the month that I spend as much time as I can in my house as I say goodbye. Goodbye to a dream of a space that I never thought would happen, that I wasn't even asking for although it held all my wishes. 

A large window seat and a beautiful red woodstove with a pipe right to the ceiling. And spacious wooden floored rooms. A kitchen, all of wood, that I called my "tiny home" for stepping inside felt like stepping into a motorhome space somehow. It was all I wanted. 

And the yard, a miniature Filberg or comox valley - ferns all around and tall TALL Cedar trees that held the whole night sky just above. And a firepit and large space to lay down a blanket, on the slightly slopping hill.

Today, I got to talk to Sofie. It's her birthday! I got to tell her that the last time we talked she asked me if I named blades of grass!! - She said she didn't remember that. But she does name them. Such a sweet girl. 

I got to hear all about how she has been. I think I have missed a year or more of her life. I don't know. But we're going to have bubble tea when I move back there. I showed her my yard and she loved it and gasped at the mushroom - her favourite kind, not to eat of course!

When I first visited this yard, it was a mushroom that kind that made me feel that I was somewhere special and magical. I am just remembering that now.

Why would you sit in a cupboard when you could be at the beach?

Why would you be at the beach when you could sit in a cupboard?

We talked about how she could make her closet a library. She is interested in sketching and writing. She likes punctuation.She tries to write correctly when she is texting.

It is lovely - and more - to have things in common still.

I know I didn't sleep much last night, maybe got three hours! But I feel a little bit sad. I had been waiting and waiting to tell Sofie I was moving back, she was someone who I knew would balance the sadness of leaving this place. And yet, after talking to her, I'm just slowly walking through my house and loving it all the more. She could visit, if I stay. It really is a beautiful (gasp worthy) back yard.

Not to mention my dream of a kindergarten. Is that evaporating? 

I told her about being at a birth. I told her about when I said to the kids wouldn't it be neat if you could ride right into the ocean, as a whimsical thought, but they did it! I showed her Moon and she showed me Luna. We talked about her horse, Fiera retiring and how she will have a new pony to train.

I do love woodstoves, but I also love sunshine on a frosty day.

And she got to wear a pink tiera and have bubbles at each plate. Her dad is making curry and the most delicious cake. It looked like maybe angel food cake and it was round with a hole like a donut.

We talked about Hugs, and how strange it is not to give and receive them. 

Maybe it is just that I'm tired. Maybe I need to sleep and eat well. I am glad there is sunshine.

And reconnecting with her for just a moment, I find a little ribbon and feel that I am finding the earth a bit. It is not exhilarating like a slow turn into madness.. like a reckless abandon.. it is even twinged with tiredness and sadness, but it is good. Being on this earth is good. 

and still.. you are not replaced. 

jump in the puddle

I saw this and i stopped. And i smiled. And i knew i loved you in that moment

i saw the you that's hidden, the you whose always been there by my side

why do we hide?  When i read your sign, it says you are incredibly self sufficient and I 

I want to melt into someone

and i can love fiercely, fiercely with all i am 

if i am wanted, if i am safe in the arms of the person to whom i 'm promised

i stopped. I smiled. And maybe after seventeen years that is all that matters

all that matters and the questions and the fears and the sadness of all the years

it can all be washed away, in the realization that maybe we are okay.

I often thought that love was staying. When the days grew tough that you just hold on.

But i don't want a love that asks me to be strong and carry on.. i want to know for sure

every moment of every hour that i belong

see the magic in your eyes

feel my heart leap when you come by

is that too much to ask, have i been reading too many poems and wanting what is 

impossible.. 

maybe i am, but maybe it's worth asking for anyway because i feel that love when i am all alone, and no it doesn't happen all the time, i can spend a day just crying. a whole falling apart and losing my spark.

but when i am alone, there is an expanding of my soul and i sing and it seems beautiful and i feel closer to everything and everyone and all is well again, all is well again. 

maybe no one can join me in this revelry maybe only children because they still see all the invisible things and they understand the need to stop and smile. and jump in a puddle, get all muddy, find a littlesnail on a leaf because you were day dreaming and suddenly the world is large and small and you are in it all, and you stop and smile. you linger a while, there is a rush of emotion when you need to leave the forest for your home.

and its only okay if your parent leans in to say, we're going home, there's dinner to be had and maybe we'll have stories in the backyard or a little snack. Promises kept, oh sparkling hope and expectation for being together and sharing the simple things that are not simple at all.

It broke my heart when i heard someone say there was no meaning. I can only feel that that is not possible. I don't want to judge, but my heart grew sad oh so sad to know that they had forgotten the reasons and then i realized that i had too and i remembered that i let sorrow swallow all my dreams, yes they seem so far and so time forgotten, but i once thought they mattered, i once thought they were the most beautiful thing and i can't live in reality though i know that it makes a fool out of me. I am often misunderstood but i want to be stay me.

I want to stay me.

maybe a wounded childhood gave me all my magic. And maybe, there is so many things i could have been. And all the things i want to be and i long to do, they happen if you aren't me and if you've lived differently. 

once i wish i had spent my teens growing up in Japan. I longed to go back, but if i had gotten my wish i would not have met you. If i had gotten my wish I would not have met you.

It's time to trust all the paths I've tripped on, and all the skies I've looked up to. It's time to trust that if I disappear the ones who find me dear will come find me, and i'll know whose true. 

I can't pretend it's you.  If we can just put down our phones, if we can just widen our homes, if we can just find the peace in ourselves. If we can just put down our fears, if we can just drink our beers, if we can just be whoever we are, if we can stop being led by our scars, if we can just, if we can just, if we can just

if we can just let go of us.

I need a little in my life

i need a little in my life.

i'm pretty much a toddler most days myself 

i think it would be incredible to live life with a little elf

someone loud

someone gentle

i really don't care

just someone to flow through the days with

in a world all our own

someone who would totally answer a call

on an invisible phone

someone who always knows more than me and can see the things I can't

someone who doesn't know how lucky they are to find a tiny stone until I celebrate the moment 

with them the way only I can 

now i am on my way towards forty two

and i know how it happens but i can't seem to get through

the fear and hesitation the timing and all that

all i know, is the "it only takes one time" is total crap!

i just thought it would happen, i'd freak out and then

meet them. Now, it seems it was up to me to plan and pay attention

i've carried this heartbreak for so many years

i'm exhausted by the why not me 

and have no more tears

i hate that there isn't someone standing in my doorway

i hate that i am not constantly interrupted during my day

i hate that there's no point in cooking, gardening or reading a book

if i knew i would live without children

before being born i'd have asked for a second look

and i may have decided that it wouldn't be worth it at all

and i may have just stayed in my pre-birth state

i need to thank the children, who ran into my arms

it was always their decision to respond to my charms

as i totally fell in love with them and would have given them the world.

i am deeply grateful to all the ones i loved, the ones i count as my own

forever. 

But they have grown up. 

And i am not okay, thank God for Zoe - Mailee and incredible bright eyed Shay!!

There is no one safe

   There is no one safe.

And I'm writing poetry and saying everything

I'm tearing open my heart and sharing it's thoughts

what kind of happening is this

what's going on

to step right into silence and feel it's icy wind

to scream out all my wonderings and wonder if 

i'm the only one who listens

does any of it matter to anyone at all?

why am i running headlong into this fall?

this would look so reckless, or maybe mostly brave

So i am scared of everyone

and i'm not that far from my cave

I could still find my way there and no one would have

to know, that I ever stepped into the madness, that 

I ever left the gentle flow.

They would never have to see my tears when I was

very mad, and they would never have to know how

desperately i longed for isolation when i was sad

They wouldn't hear words so they wouldn't know feelings

they wouldn't be able to throw things 

be unyeilding

There is no one safe

but i stand in the storm shouting out all that i am

and waiting my turn to turn pages and pages

read reckless brave words written by me

or perhaps sung by some birds

There is no one safe

not a one in this land

then why do i reach out a quivering hand?

one small cloud unseen

  elated.

  heart racing.

  This is the feeling of falling in love, and yet, tonight i am simply reading a story for the children of this town. that is all. my voice, reading words carefully with feeling to children, what children i do not know, maybe one, maybe many. Perhaps they are listening so attentively, perhaps they are scrolling by my voice along with a miriad of other devices, perhaps (dare i imagine) perhaps they are under a blanket with their own phone, thinking they are a little too old for bedtime stories and yet.. smiling as they are carried into dreams they didn't know they could dream.

  elated

 heart racing.

   This is my path, my purpose, my why i am here. I wonder though, i panic a little, did i come to the table too late. For so long i wanted to start something here, gather children around me and tell them stories, explore fields and gather rocks and feathers and sticks. And now, when I am leaving them, now when 

I am saying goodbye, I offer this invitation.

elated

heart racing

just beginning to fall apart 

   Why did i have to waste so much time in fear. Why was I so slow to find courage? 

i have to do this. I have to read stories and more than read, inhabit them and tell them with my eyes bright and my imagined realm surrounding them, until they can call it up on their own. This is my calling, to help

them see, for times that are hard and for times that are happy. There is always a story and it is always what is needed. 

   elated

   heart racing

   just beginning to fall into my part in this performance

   

   my stage. the earth. my coworkers the trees and flowers. my friends the rivers and oceans.

   my inspiration the wind and my home the clouds. oh the clouds.

   lovely rolling clouds.

   they are perhaps just as frightened as i am. 

   will they fill with water and roar thundrously about

    there is no guarentee that they will be a gentle wispy cloud,

one that people gaze up at and say, " i see a sheep" no " i see a great ship"

  oh look - oh look.

perhaps they are this lovely of a cloud, but they come at a time when

the sky is crowded and no one can see the shape that they are.

Perhaps this is my story.

My story about the cloud that wasn't seen.

and the courage it took her to.. to.. fly lower.. fly out on her own.

I say I want to run to the dark forest at night and survive. 

Perhaps that is courage, but this too, this revealing of oneself, this obvious

cloud beingness in broad day light.

elated

heart racing

does anyone undertand.

do i.

i need to find my story.

           EXPOSED

  

We move through the world

this wide web ever shifting

The ebbs and flows

at once gentle and then frightening

It all falls on encounter

to whom we are looking.

Do they see us? Do they really?

Are we safe in this meeting?

We hear shrill chatter, Seems it will never stop coming

Sense things we can't see, Hear things that are disarming.

Longing to run to the mountains, Airborne Greetings!

To be all alone in the wild of this world

Hearts beating

To dive deep and be lost in the breadth of life

Height of aliveness

But what of the long road and what of the strangeness?

And what of tired bodies

the second when everything turns

This stunning darkness with radiant night stars

becoming an ink too thick to transfigure

within and without this sensing of danger.

What of that clarity that sings in our ears

this new longing to be understood by our tears? 

To have feet on the earth, to be present

To know grace

To simply be here with all we have tried to erase.

You may climb a glacier

and yet your soul shake.

What propels us forward 

to what must we be awake?

There is no greater pull upon each of our hearts

it may look so different but it's there from the start

With the first time we say, 'i can do it myself!'

to the one who risks unmasking the disguise of themselves

The courage for love and a heart that is soft

are not these openings between people really 

cliff jumps

Oh expansion is incredible!

Whether planned or a whim 

going farther we often find we are going within

and the wider our sphere the clearer our view

if we ever come home then we see what is true

Without one another we shelter ourselves.

Speaking our own words of healing over our doubts.

Building tents in the rain hoping light dispels the grey

unable to truly escape the question of, 'Will I be okay?'

As we slide into spaces that offer us rest 

How do we know where we've chosen is best?

Perhaps like a small snake under a shoe

when we feel the worlds too much 

we must do what we must do

and the hand that is offered, we must take - we must trust!

At some point in our journey we must see 

it's not just us.

Tremors

       i am not sure i love the ocean anymore.

       it was my greatest love, Mother - Sister - Cosmos I could inhabit
       Life. There was never a time I wasn't drawn to jump into the waters
       Never a time it didn't erase all worry and wondering. Never a time I
       didn't feel reborn.

       but this cleanse was too close to a going under and never returning
       i still don't know what happened and i have told too many people, although
       i have barely told anyone.

       Just a new friend who happened to come by, I hadn't planned too but she was
       so very present to me. I knew I could trust her completely. Then my sister. Which
       turned out marvelously. She has felt something was off, had sensed something around
       that very hour.

       I can still feel the dark waves too close and too strong, going in three directions, signs
       of a current.

       Then I told my Mother. And that was not great, but luckily she was not the first I told.
       The longer I go without telling you, the stranger it feels and yet, "What do I say?"

        Why is the thought of you still there? Still. After he rescued me. After he risked his own
         safety. For me.

       I wanted to live and I thought that was being more risky, if so, maybe it is not living I
       desire but existence. Just being.

       I long for a small space. For arms tight around me. I am still scared. Well, it was only
       two days ago, but i know what it is to almost be gone and in a terrifying way.

        As the time approaches when I long for the ocean, I find myself ignoring the sunlight
        and wanting to stay home. Feet on the ground. Hoping that my heart steadies.

plants

 when you're all alone
in your home
do you think the plants are listening to your thoughts
do you think they care
or are they just waiting for water
and by now
how come they haven't figured that out
how come they aren't smarter
and be tiny trees and root where they need to
and find all they need to survive

tiny plants in a house
is it like catching a bird and having it in a cage
is it like a fish in a bowl
are they sad
do they feel like we're protecting them
or maybe they feel like they're apart of the family
they belong
are home

and is my cat
thinking that I've lost it
is my cat
just wanting the same thing as the plant
some water
some food

if it is isn't that rude
to just exist and offer nothing but cute

the plant at least is giving me oxygen
I'm sorry moon you offer me nothing
but cute
nothing but cute

you are so beautiful
so soft

but does that compute

notice me.

 You see I'm marked
You see its clear
I don't even try to hide my dear

Because I'm taking off my skin
If I could I'd shed it all right now
I probably wourldnt look to do
I might be ashamed
but there's something screaming,
Something Screaming

And it wants to get out
and I don't know how to find it
I can't reach in and just discover
it's not my guts, or my heart or my lungs

It's something deeper and further and higher and wider
and I can't explain it and I can't describe her
I don't know what it is
that I am searching for

But I am clawing at my skin, don't know where to begin
trying to transform in a mili second
And nothing moves that fast
and I cannot wait another minute

Nothing moves fast enough
and I want to be right in it
Give me the mess, give me the magic
I don't care I have had it
This is my last stand

And I look at myself and I know I'm beautiful
Look at myself and I know I'm truthful
Look at myself and I know that I'm innocent and I'm all messed up

I know I'm here and I know your there
and I know there are a million things between us

And this is that and up is down
and I wish I could tell you that being dizzy is not my favourite feeling but I think I may like madness just a little
more than sadness

And I'm telling you
This is me
It's always been here
but I couldn't be myself because I was full of fear

See I know who to be
If I want everyone to love me
I can be her
It's easy
I can be so well behaved
So in my cave
So in my cage


So much I think it's home

But something is screaming
And this is my last stand
Does anyone understand

I would break this computer but then I would have nothing to work on in the morning
That's not okay
I guess I'm not that badass after all

Cuz I should have the courage to smash a few things
There's my cat she's cute
Now I'll play the flute

I like my hair
not the glare
and it's really hard to stare.

   Hello
do you even see me
Hello
I am just beneath your feet
Tiny white
I would be such a delight
If you were smaller
If I were taller
And you could notice me
Notice me

But I am just a small wild flower
Just a little rain shower
makes me grow
I do wish I were louder
I'm just a little white

daisy

with a twirl i fall into an abyss

    here we go again

    how aptly titled this series of thoughts turned out to be.
   I am now 41

   At 40, I felt satisfied. I saw the everything of my life - the ebb and flow - the magic and the mundane and where i was. It wasn't incredible, but that was okay. I felt, meh.  And sensed this peace with it all. This was wonderful, this was what I heard would happen, this okayness with it all, this wisdom. Whatever hadn't happened. Hadn't happened. And what had been my life was suppose to be. And here I was with a dream of a white sand beach and rolling wavy ocean. Here I was with wine, and outdoor yoga. With travel and the hippie dream. 

This was all I wanted! My life was simple, like The Little Prince's planet. A boy. A cat. A woodstove and me. The ocean to visit and following the Moon. 

   At 41, all of that came unravelled. No, that is not strong enough, all of that was blown apart. All i have now are pieces and puzzles and layer upon layer of a broken heart. With questions and actions, with an explosion of truth. I felt it hit me hard.  "The Truth will set you free but first it will Piss you off"  This quote says it all. In may case, "The Truth will set you free but first it will pull you apart" This is the painful, the heart wrenching dark night of the soul. I didn't expect it at all, and I want to close up pandoras box and pretend it never happened - but some part of me that knows more and can feel her heart again, will not let me.

  oh. is this the gentle opening of all that i have hidden. Is this  me making all the mistakes i didn't.
Is this freedom, is this all a risk to everything beautiful i've found. What am I doing? What have I done? Or is this all coming along because of things I have wondered and is it leading me somewhere true and real and sweet in the end.

  

Awakening

 This Hurts
 All of it

 And then every once in a while I feel like i am seeing and feeling me. Perhaps for the first time.
 Realizing that such an immense amount of me has been hiding, fiercely terrified.
 That my heart has been locked up. Children are safe. Created realms are okay.
 But the world - I am so timid to navigate it and so desperately want to jump right in.
 Why such opposing forces? Because I was hurt and where I would be naturally curious and
 brave, I have been conditioned to fear. Debilitating fear. I wanted to distance myself from so
 much that was practical and I went too far. Yes, it made me whimsical, yes i love sitting on the
 ground when everyone else is in chairs, and speaking to the heart when I am in a financial negotiation. I'm quirky. Yet. This was all formed in me as I had to protect myself. As a child
 I had to parent myself. With a child's tools I did so. We laughed and sang and hid under blankets.
 But there was no one to parent me and so now when I am finally an adult myself, I crumble. I fall  apart. I become the hurting child.

Yet, there are moments. Though I want to run back to when I did not know this truth. There are
moments when I feel as transparent as the air and as alive as the fiery sunrise. New born. Amazed.
I am only a dazzling light.

a little life story so far

                                                             Pisces me oh my
                                                   contrary fishies please don't cry
                                                   as you swim from earth to sky
                                                      wondering why oh why


     As i try to live in the grey in the middle of every fray, it's not easy because i so strongly see it
     clearly could be both ways. And i care a bit too much, and cannot not give a f$#! And i see
     that it is sad and happy and all or nothing but should flow lightly.

     And then I took this me, and went away across the sea, to this land called Japan
     and i suddenly could see through a whole other lens, and Canada made zero sense.
    So here I was, clearly not Japanese and yet no longer all I'd been raised to be.
    And the fish swam round again.
    As I learned the word for ten was Ju
    and i understood you

     Back in my homeland quiet as a mouse, seeing absolute certainty as undesirable
     compared to doubt. Seeing individualism as a strange un natural life and being happy
     being swallowed up in one world - with one voice.

     Here I stand now
     alone
     all the places where I've grown and the people I've vanished into
     all the dreams that have carried me away
     this ghost life is lifting

      and I know I am me, and it's easy to be, if you don't try at all, you are you
      whether you fly or fall.

       So simple. The fish aren't in competition, they are not ships in the night
       It is not black and white, but a trajectory
       both free are free to be and so they swim free
       up and down and all swirly
     

        And it's water
        and fish
        there is nothing a miss

        but love can come and sink a ship
        the fish are dizzy
        though they are strong, there is a whirlpool to which they
        are drawn and where does it go
        or is it eternal
        or do they let go and swim as one and follow on
        to a new circle

        there is always the push and pull
        one stays if one goes
        and the fish that disappears into unknown years
        where does she go

       
                                                      Pisces me oh my
                                          contrary fishies please don't cry
                                          as you swim from earth to sky
                                              wondering why oh why
   
           

not yet what i will be

I stand on the threshold again.

I am remarkably awake at 2:43 am.

Delivering all of my thousands of photos to the computer so that I can have the illusion of a blank slate. I say it is the last time, but I know that I will do it again.

I would like to live for a whole week without my camera. I would like to live a whole week with someone else deciding everything. I think so, maybe. 

Can lent be a quieting. A forty days to listen to God. Forty pictures - one each day, only one.

I want to know other people's stories, and know that I am one among many.

Which stories impact me and weave into my own.

Is it now the people here only, or is it still the sisterhood I have lost. Is it still them?

They stand SO powerful in my heart - so present. Those who are gone have a stronger presence within me somehow. It has always been so. 

I have often said - all of those I love are far away?

Once they were near - that is how I met them.. and whilst dreaming of a true love partner can no longer be - it is so very possible that a true love friend awaits me here or somewhere I will be after this.

I must hold onto hope.

When I lost Japan I thought I would never ever dream again.

And that was years before the world of Courtenay and Waldorf found me. Saved me. Guided me. Delighted me. Formed me. Fit me. Changed me and Let me be me.

So, this is me the night before we left Osaka.

The night before a whole entire life became a trip and a bunch of photos.

I don't think I have ever noticed the smell of yellow cedar before, and if I did I would not have known it's name.  I am eating delicious avocado sandwiches. I know that the earth is most important - my heart and the children that make it beat next so - and that then, somehow there is everything else. 

I know this.

I know that I want to become a young elder. That when I am faced with the wildness of youthful abandon or the silence of wisdom and the settling of my racing contradictions.. I am pulled most strongly to the first and desperately seek the second.

I am getting there.

I think, dear ones, that at the age of almost forty, I am ready to admit that i was a child until i was an old lady.. and that i missed being the seductress and i skipped adulthood.. but i'm okay with that.

The wonder of the child and the wonder of the elder are the same.

They know more than they realize and so many people miss it.

I am inbetween these shadows. In awe of those who have learned to live well and of those who are just beginning to learn of life. 

My infant smile and my elders wink embrace.

My giggling wondering ways and my knowing storyteller inside walk hand in hand, that is, when the storyteller can catch the child.. and yet, it is the storyteller who creates the world the child wants to run and play in.

I am everywhere in this story that is within me and yet completely untouched except in the rare moments when i remember that this is the only thing that feels like life apart from the hands in the earth - feet in the water - wind on my face - shout-out-loud AMAZING moments.

I want to live that fully always, but maybe i wouldn't recognize it if it was my every day life.

Like how tonight I am wide awake on the verge of excitement because I am going down island - because I am going through the streets and views I once inhabited. A part of me feels like i come back together when I am there. A part of me feels like a stranger now.

It is terrifying what I might feel and also necessary.

My sister had some very good words for me about it all.

"I don't know the answer for what's best :/  leaving it behind or trying to stay connected - I think it's something you have to figure out as you go" 

3:02 am.  I feel close to happy, close as in it eludes me but i sense it.

                Heart broken permanently. 

And flabergasted that a cute pair of baby onesies with alpaca and sheep on them can be the highlight of my day.

Yesterday it was the full Moon looking as you imagine it would.

And an unexpected (waited for forever for this kinda) hug

There's no accounting for what will make your heart soar. 

No accounting for when it will suddenly fall.

hugs y'all.

Awakening

I have been hurting
I have stopped writing

until the laughter of children is simply the laughter of children

    you have this amazing ability to see what matters
    if we talk for three - five - seven hours, there will be something that you speak to
    that is of all the things i have said the most real in my heart. the most pressing on my mind.
    the thing i was wanting to speak and have heard.

    last night, it was different, i just said the smallest thing, " and there is a daycare right next door.." and you stopped me - stopped everything and said that that would have been good to know in knowing what i was working through in regards to the school and the children. Every morning i have to start my day wrestling with all the emotions and feelings that it brings up.

    I had not realized. Somehow, i had not realized. That when i heard them laugh or saw them I could come inside, that I would often wait for them to be indoors before being in my own backyard. I physically hid from children. I thought it was because I would be different with the kids, because I didn't want the conflict of them having plastic toys and dance parties when i fully believe natural is best and gentle parenting is wise and listening to the children as emotional equals matters so much.
I thought it was that.

  I think now, that it's something else. It's being near children and not with them. It's having children so close that don't know me. It's having parents drop off and not have any idea that i am magic for their child. It is more children I cannot know. It is children that cannot be mine.

  And then, I wondered why it was good with Evan. Why I just fell in step with him so easily.
and you said - maybe because he is a child who won't be taken away from you. And I sobbed.
I'm sure you knew I was crying. It rang so true!! Maybe I left the school. Maybe there were other things going on. But the contract not being renewed, the passing on of my role in their lives to someone else. That took something from me, that took the journey from me. Someone else was raising them now, and I could love them with all of my heart but i wasn't with them, I wasn't hearing their voice or helping them when things got hard, I wasn't watching them learn and learning with them, and being shown the world from their lived lives. I wasn't there for hugs and smiles across the room, for laughter and for angry kicks at the floor.  I'm not seeing them bike away the wind in their hair. They are like the whole world up close. I would easily trade the ocean and the stars for them, for they are the ocean and the stars. and more.

   I think that i need to be with them or hearing them or sending them support.
I can't just pine away for them like a puddle of love and tears for when they do phone, when we do see each other, i won't have anything to impart - nothing to tell - no growth and i must stay strong for when they need my strength and i must keep being the person they knew, this happy vivacious enthusiastic curious person who tried. They saw me. They knew me. I saw them. I knew them. We got each other and we loved each other.

    I want them all in my arms, as baby birds to feed and shelter from the cold. I want to watch the tips of my wings turn to ice as they, warm beneath my feathers breath in and out in the deepest and safest of sleeps.

   It's nice to sit with this image. Just for a little while. Take comfort in what i would offer them.
Then to open my eyes, take in a few slow breaths and look up because they are flying all over the place and all i can do is hope that when i was building my part of their nest that they were watching and that someday when they see a twig in a certain shape in the early morning, that they might remember me and smile. For every twig i see is them, and so much they have touched has forever been changed.

    You got me to open this door a little once again. You helped me cry again. You helped me to see that I am positioned to face a child's life going on without me. That I am actively surrounded by what i am avoiding most.

    I have to say hello. I can't hold on too tightly. I have to let myself love even if there is space, even if there are many days i am missing. It has to be okay that they are with their families, skiing in the mountains and biking on the trails, waking up for Saturday pancakes and giving goodnight kisses.

And it has to be okay that when you are driving downtown at night, i am not beside you.

Love is part of healing

   I thought I would find healing in the next child. The next child in my Kindergarten or in a baby I would birth or adopt or somehow bring into my life.

  These all came from places of children I could love. That loving was the path. Learning and growing too, but all in and around and under my gaze of Love.

  That doesn't make sense. That at the time when I am only a shadow of myself, when even my own thoughts and intuitions could be all wrong. When I was in darkness and couldn't feel life. It makes no sense that what would pull me out would be giving more of me.

 Yes, giving more would be disappearing into others. It would be noble and it would be fine.
But it would not at all heal me. Instead it would take the very few breaths I had left, breaths that were for me to drink in slowly and exhale with tears. It would take those very last ounces of life away.

And i need to take a breath for me. I need to take two or three. I need to say that it is okay to have a moment that makes me feel warmth and trust and hope and strength.

I want to hold the whole world.
But who is holding me.

I'm sorry to ask. But i think to heal, I need someone to really see me, see my pain, and LOVE ME OUT LOUD!!!

(maybe...or not.. it's okay...i'll just find some solace in speaking this here and in knowing that sometimes my cat purr-talks and comes all the way up to me - right up into my face and just curls up awkwardly on my chest... i think she might be saying she loves me)

This is an incredible feeling.
This on my own that brings so much healing, and I see that to find myself alone I need to always be leaving him or running off somewhere. 

It never felt right, I did it in Japan and got to follow some geisha down a very narrow street. It was one of the most incredibly surreal moments of my whole life - and yet - Alastair did not know where I was. I don't remember if he was worried or upset.. but there was a sense that I couldn't just disappear into the crowd, that at some point there would be a tug and I would have to return. 

This morning, the whole of this place felt different. I walked to work, which on my early day I don't. It's such a small town and Alastair works at the same time so it's easy and makes sense to get a ride in with him. This morning, I got dressed and felt the smoothness of slipping into my boots before heading outside. It was like I was way more present. It was easy. The walk was brisk and I heard the birds. 

I was strong and silly at work and I felt more able to just be there. I loved doing the Kwakwala circle time. 

My world in this tiny place opened up a bit, with thoughts of doing yoga on the beach and having coffee at guidos more. I absolutely love the island life. Just looking out my window into the backyard and seeing the sun through the tall tall trees and someone's smoke from a fire billowing up in the yards below and peacefully floating into the sky. 

I want more of this! This land has captured my heart. 

It is not easy to leave him. He is so soft and sweet and his face is a part of the scenery of my life. Like the blue sky or the birds that sing. He is always there. As I live my life and wander in and out of thought. He is there. 

But when I do, a veil is lifted. A veil over my eyes and my ears and even my heart. Something comes loose and I am ME again! 

Where do my roots take me

                                       Finding my family lineage
   

     We were asked to close our eyes and feel our roots going down through the floor, through the earth all the way to the very hot core of the planet. Then to find ourselves still rooted floating way out in the galaxy. In that open space out beyond the stars, where we are where everything first began - where we are where we all come from. Then we were to see the face of our mother or someone who had cared for us, then to see her mother and her mother and on and on and on.

      There was for me connectivity between my great grandmother, my grandmother and my mother. Yet from my mother to me there was no chord. There was a red thick cord from her but i was not firmly attached, it was not a straight line.

      I thought about my grandfather. His love for me. I thought about my uncle David.
David Gillett. His gentleness, his artistry. Is it possible, that I am connected along the paternal line on my mothers side.

     I want to close my eyes again and ask these questions.

  In the end we were asked to come back to the earth and to look around and see a plant that was there. To know that that was our plant and that our ancestors had all touched or held or used that plant.

   I thought of snow. I was asked more specifically what it looked like, where it grew, what colour it was. Snow didn't work. So my mind went to the ocean and in the clear water there was a rust pink
sea weed floating by, i knew how soft it was and how it felt to hold it and walk the beach.

   We were given the task to go and find that plant. To perhaps bring it into our homes for our alter.

  I had tried this once, and without the Ocean it had vanished. Even the saltwater that i'd brought it home in was not enough to sustain it. First the beautiful red sea weed disappeared and then the water.

   There was nothing to remember it by.
    It needs the Ocean as do I.

 Just like snow. It vanishes if I try to keep it. All that grounds me is ethereal.

I am a storyteller who belongs in the midst of children.

   I NEED TO WRITE THIS IN BOLD BECAUSE I WILL LOSE IT AGAIN IF I DON'T

   My dream is to start a Waldorf Kindergarten.

   I need to start by asking.

   Right now it is all in my heart and head, the vision is strong and I have started purchasing materials for the school, heck I have a whole basket of pine cones, which I love but they serve no purpose unless that is the direction I am going.

  Every single time I spin out of control, the Kindergarten is the only thing that brings me peace and strength.

   So there is something there. Sometime I need to listen to.

   I am going to rent the coffee shop called Guido's and I am going to speak from the heart about my wish to offer a Waldorf Inspired Kg from my home.

   I am wanting to go ahead with this for this coming September or the following one, but I need to know that this is something the families in this community are wanting for themselves and their children.

   When people leave, I will give them the link to my website.

   Speak about the young child and what they need. What a Waldorf Kindergarten provides.

  Deep breath,

  this is the dream.

  But is it to be here or somewhere else on the island, or perhaps in Ontario.
  And is it to be soon or in a few years.

  xo

  I am deeply grateful for this feeling of courage and this feeling of just get out there.
  I am deeply grateful that a certain boy did not call me today and that I did not call him
  (only because I have a fever and sore throat so I might be extra emotional)
  I am doing this for me. for him. for the children.

  I'm trying to run away!!! But i'm longing to have someone say, STAY.

  Feb 22, 2020
  Today had to count, because I missed being on a ferry in the morning hours headed to Alert Bay for a wonderful ceremony with Bishop Logan.

  Storytelling is the most important thing.
  To live a life of daily telling stories. If I'm not speaking them - then I need to be writing them.

 I'm surrendering again to all the whispers in my heart xox

 

Spinning myself Steady

It all began, when I said I'd be home and would he be free to see me.
The moment he arrived, he got out of the car and I ran and gave him a huge hug.
There was no hesitancy, no awkward it's been a long time, just instant hello hugs.
And when he waved at my sister I was happy.

Then we went on a walk downtown. beavertails and a beautiful view.
this city that once i knew.
and the whole time I was so grateful for a twelve year old who was with us.
We talked about roller coasters and his bravery was amazing and unexpected because he was
quiet and so pretty much anything would have surprised me and yet he came along and his quiet was never an awkwardness but more a presence that needed no words. Those kind of kids, those kind of people grip you, because when they do speak. You listen. It matters. You matter.
But i was in step with him and it was good.

The time went so fast and then I was being dropped off. Just about an hour or so and then bye.
It wasn't even a bye. It seemed strange. How could I leave without even really talking to him.
So, I said I can still hang out - in reality I would have been up pretty late doing nothing.

So we got our time to talk. I wish we had a recording of it. We talked about everything, and everyone. I got a tour of the bikes and the airplanes and his grandfathers black and white photo when he was in the war. We talked until it was too late to knock on a door, and so I decided to wait till morning - till daylight to be taken home.

And morning came so fast. I wish I'd had the courage to stay longer, then.
We listened to a song, I almost cried and asked to hold his hand.
It wasn't romantic - but it was some kind of return- i didn't even think about it, it was just how we were.

And it was so healing. So much happiness. To know that something could still be. That something lost wasn't.

When so many things were.

Sometimes things return in other ways. I feel like i lost so many people - and then  suddenly found one. It was like the whole of my life making sense and things not being just in my head. I have always found he was important, all this time he truly was.

So I said goodbye.
I said I would miss him.
I hugged him and disappeared. 
                                                                           
                                                                             got on a plane. somehow. heart drop.
                                                                            unsteady.

I was back by the ocean - on the beach.
I thought that I would leave that time behind me - be grateful - but instead I almost cried.
I felt a sadness. I felt like I should have stayed longer, because now how long would it be until I saw him again.

and i want to wrap things up all neatly, end with magic, let it be one long conversation where i didn't eat anything but a chocolate. Have said all i had never said and had questions answered that I didn't even know to ask when I was young.

I don't think I was 17 again, I was always me now - but we were us again and it was so neat to feel time roll backwards, like a wave heading out to the wide open ocean.

And 17 years with my soul mate just vanished, and I was again on that bench saying will you come visit me in Toronto? I wonder what would have happened had he come there? I know he would have laughed - that I would have shown him a whole world through my eyes.. and most likely he would have left.. gone back to what he knows - his work - his family....

maybe it would have been just a visit and everything that happened for him would have happened anyhow.

He wouldn't have married me that young.
He might have maybe thought about being with me - but there was no way.

And me, I was caught up in all the growing up and growing away from all I'd known.
I lived in a castle. I had a thousand new friends.. or so it felt like. I began to fall in love with the hippi lifestyle - right there, in the most beautiful city. I got a little drunk - and walked across the busy street - layed down on the street. I remember that. But I also talked loudly about how I love god and he's with me - even in that moment. And I listened to Belle and Sebastian.

And I fell in love with Alastair.
I didn't expect it. When I took the bus to where he lived, I was nervous because I knew I would have to tell him we were friends.. but instead.. from the moment he met me - time stopped and I was there - I was going to be wherever he was - did we go outside, did we stay in, what happened and when did I emerge.

And i knew it was going to be him. And the sweetest thing he ever said was that he would give me a key to his apartment. Falling in love with him was dangerously delicious. The whole city blurred and I almost forgot my life.

i'm almost forgetting it now, as I am there again in my mind and gliding through the city. the day he was going to get me a ring - we got perfume instead. that perfume is the whole days emotions captured forever. forever. I think i wanted an opal ring. I think so.

                                                                 <>    <>    <>

I didn't ask to feel like i was falling again. I didn't plan it. I didn't expect it.
Yes. I was really looking forward to seeing my friend. My friend who had met Al, had liked Al.
But someone who also knew my family - and who remembers me so well, in such detail.

Sometimes being understood. Being seen. Being heard. Feels like being loved.

And I've been falling for a very long time. Lost - Running - Scared - Angry - Hurt - Hopeless - and So so so sad. So very sad. Kicking and Screaming a bit. A mess.

It wasn't that he said anything wonderful about me. It was that he saw me, and he could tell I was hurting. a lot. and he wanted to make sure I was okay.

That kind of caring.
And the fact that I could have talked for many many many many more days.
I am certain of that. For he holds all my memories for me and paints pictures of all I have missed.
So much detail. And he has always talked about things that really don't interest me, and yet they deeply matter i think because they matter to him.

and i'm mad at everyone he has ever liked. who has ever had the chance to be in his arms.
i was too young then and too sheltered. and now, when there could be a beautiful story.. or even a beautiful night.

There is instead me in this other story - in this other life.
So I shake my head and blink back tears and tell myself that this is all strange imaginings and we are the kind of friends that last and that he is here - at this time - to help me heal and i him. Because love does that.