I need a little in my life

i need a little in my life.

i'm pretty much a toddler most days myself 

i think it would be incredible to live life with a little elf

someone loud

someone gentle

i really don't care

just someone to flow through the days with

in a world all our own

someone who would totally answer a call

on an invisible phone

someone who always knows more than me and can see the things I can't

someone who doesn't know how lucky they are to find a tiny stone until I celebrate the moment 

with them the way only I can 

now i am on my way towards forty two

and i know how it happens but i can't seem to get through

the fear and hesitation the timing and all that

all i know, is the "it only takes one time" is total crap!

i just thought it would happen, i'd freak out and then

meet them. Now, it seems it was up to me to plan and pay attention

i've carried this heartbreak for so many years

i'm exhausted by the why not me 

and have no more tears

i hate that there isn't someone standing in my doorway

i hate that i am not constantly interrupted during my day

i hate that there's no point in cooking, gardening or reading a book

if i knew i would live without children

before being born i'd have asked for a second look

and i may have decided that it wouldn't be worth it at all

and i may have just stayed in my pre-birth state

i need to thank the children, who ran into my arms

it was always their decision to respond to my charms

as i totally fell in love with them and would have given them the world.

i am deeply grateful to all the ones i loved, the ones i count as my own

forever. 

But they have grown up. 

And i am not okay, thank God for Zoe - Mailee and incredible bright eyed Shay!!