There are not many places I inhabit all alone. This blog I am realizing, like much of my writing is a cozy place to curl up and feel the utter abandonment of everything that is not me. I cannot tell a lie here and i trust that what I write - when I write it is enough to capture some essence of my life. And for those I am brave enough to share it with, that it may speak to their lives and bring a little smile or tear of resonance.
You. You are my transition. I could not imagine leaving this house with it's wood and it's crackling dancing flames. It's dark and wondrous night time and it's gentle gentle redwood tree. It's immensity and coziness. And yet, I almost left the island. I did in my mind and imaginings. I was far from the ocean and far from this house.
How can I say I belong in the silence of the tall cedar trees with my feet or entire body in the waves of the cold sea? How can I say that, and find home in a dark room with sythe pop music playing or on a drive downtown or on a city street. I didn't know where I was half the time, but I was as happy as if I was with the ocean and I was with you - at least your voice, your presence.
So I know that some of me, the very real me, is in places quite far from here. But I needed you to speed things up a little, to change the soundtrack of my days and to remind me of my strength. Just in time, because everything is spinning and at least a little of that spin was fun. You have gone away I think, but you came at just the right time.
But following my heart and letting myself be that happy and that talkative again. Fully accepted, dare I say embraced. Also leaves me with an awakening that I cannot just pack away as I pack my things. I thought I would talk to you this week and say goodbye to those feelings and those conversations as I said goodbye to this home. But who am I to decide how our story ends. It doesn't. I am in the world and so are you and for some reason we still glimmer in each others lives. I would like to be the whole damn sunshine, but i will be content to be one star. One star in the sky above you. I'm sorry that I cannot slip into your life and be an almost step mom to a boy who just turned twelve. I wish I could follow the laughter and my own transformation.
But this awakening is shaking up all the pieces of my life that had gathered dust, and I am looking in the mirror for once and seeing the wrinkles on my forhead and facing the fears that I have long burried. I am ready to listen to his side of the story and to hold some room for his pain. I have been lost in my own for a very very long time. I could not speak, I did not know what to say.
And now I do, for now I know exactly what is missing. Because it's there with you, so I know what I need from him - from me. I hold him to a standard that I would never ask of you. It's time for me to let him have a voice too.
But it hurts and I want to run and I cannot run to you. I wonder if you know that I need to stand on my own feet and feel the earth and sun and really live in my own body, find my own dream. I wonder if you are silent to be kind or because it's what you need. Could it be because you don't want to say words that seem angry or say things that will be too real.
I know I love you. I know I am married. I know that I want to fall in love with this life. I think that maybe I can, if I can find the courage not to run this time but to enter the dark aching cavern of my hurt and find him there because only we know this place, know it too well, but perhaps this time (dare I hope!) perhaps this time we will find a new way out - instead of entering in darkness and exiting in darkness - perhaps this time we will find the path of light that will truly lead us out. Hand in hand together.
The cavern collapsing as we fall apart in relief and never ending laughter!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment