Tremors

       i am not sure i love the ocean anymore.

       it was my greatest love, Mother - Sister - Cosmos I could inhabit
       Life. There was never a time I wasn't drawn to jump into the waters
       Never a time it didn't erase all worry and wondering. Never a time I
       didn't feel reborn.

       but this cleanse was too close to a going under and never returning
       i still don't know what happened and i have told too many people, although
       i have barely told anyone.

       Just a new friend who happened to come by, I hadn't planned too but she was
       so very present to me. I knew I could trust her completely. Then my sister. Which
       turned out marvelously. She has felt something was off, had sensed something around
       that very hour.

       I can still feel the dark waves too close and too strong, going in three directions, signs
       of a current.

       Then I told my Mother. And that was not great, but luckily she was not the first I told.
       The longer I go without telling you, the stranger it feels and yet, "What do I say?"

        Why is the thought of you still there? Still. After he rescued me. After he risked his own
         safety. For me.

       I wanted to live and I thought that was being more risky, if so, maybe it is not living I
       desire but existence. Just being.

       I long for a small space. For arms tight around me. I am still scared. Well, it was only
       two days ago, but i know what it is to almost be gone and in a terrifying way.

        As the time approaches when I long for the ocean, I find myself ignoring the sunlight
        and wanting to stay home. Feet on the ground. Hoping that my heart steadies.