going slow

Of course I am lost. I have no one to follow this time.

And though their is wonder in the pathless woods, whenever

I am in the woods I am finding the paths.. be them barely visible dirt ones

or sadly trodden on branches.. 

so i follow where others have gone before me and preferably

i do so while their boot is still visible just ahead.

I know who I want to be near, the life I would be happy within, but this doesn't seem

to be what is happening. Though I want to celebrate the lives of others, it just hurts.

I can adore them but it goes further than that. I feel farther from them and scared that

they will see how curious but clueless I truly am.

I will watch a wind surfer for hours. I will smile and be impressed as they jump

farther than you'd expect off the waves into the summer sky. I think maybe that's a 

water sport that I'd like to try. Then I see the strength of their arms as they grip the 

handle and pull against the force of the roaring wind. And I know that I could not

do that, not for long, maybe not at all. 

It's not that I think I shouldn't try, but I just wish I couldn't put myself so easily

into anothers life. 

I'm trying to find the path within me that will begin my path outside.

But I have always known my call but somehow everything is being swallowed in grief.

Even the encounters that were only ever happiness are now people far and relationships

muddling. More on the side of  a sorrowful thing.

Even you, busting away in the backyard caring for the plants and folding up the tent.

I offered to roll up one of the sleeping bags but I have mostly been inside watching.

I want to DO something, move my body into action, make ripples on this planet.

I have a concussion. I'm being told not to make sudden movements. To be in quiet and dark

when I can.

So right when I am tired of my thoughts and feelings, when I'm sick of journalling and resting.

I am told to go slow!

When do I get to feel my feet on fire again, my heart ablaze.