Gently defeated every damn day

 

 When did this happen? When did i start to feel this way? Little by little seeing people and being amazed. You can swing upside down high in the air! You can bike through the town, freely go anywhere. Beautiful and strong. I used to simply adore you all for all you were. Now, it only hurts. Everything I'm not. All the ways I'm inside when I should be out on a walk. Now it only hurts. All that I can't be. Have I scaled a mountain, have I even slept out at sea. All the things that Mothers do, carrying their babies on their fronts, on their bikes and hikes too. I want to be that brave. All the everyday regular things seem to me like having wings and bungee jumping - my body doesn't love adrenelin that much.

So where are the ones. Who sit and read books in their own backyards. Who write all their feelings and don't get much farther. And why did I always want to be a runner and do these things that are so far and so hard for me.

You said " an athlete of the mind" I must have said I wished to be more like you. You gave me words that flipped the script and you said, " it's all energy and you can consume it in many forms" 

The people I admire, seem to admire me. I just want to cry because I don't see what they see.

I feel so shadowy and I know this is coming from trauma me. But why so afraid. 

Afraid to go out. Don't even mail a letter. Don't even go to the doctor. There is so much I need a hand to hold onto for, and I hate it a little but more I wonder is there someone out there who would see all I can do and think that this wasn't a big deal.

He says it's not. But I don't know. I say I accept myself, but do I really? 

I write these words. He is on a walk. He woke up, showered and was off. If only. I am not ready to leave and I'm nervous for tomorrow I have plans to do so. And is it just being here, that I am angry that it's been so long since I've been at the beach with a friend. 

I just don't recognize where I am. 

And I woke up peaceful! I woke up happy!

I'm okay, until someone does something that I'm not doing right now. I think every picture hurts somehow. And I wanna be kind and happy for them all.