i feel so often that we write about things and talk about things when we have come through them, but i thought it would be helpful and honest to write while i'm in it..
so i am in this cocoon of healing, which sounds so delightful and full of good wine, soft pillows and lightness. In reality it is a bubble that is slowly filling with all the ghosts i have not addressed in my life. What is surfacing exactly? Loss. A lot of loss. And facing the fact that at some point I have to awaken to what is me that has been pushed aside or even almost snuffed out entirely.
so I am finding her in the middle of these constant rising dark clouds like a thick steam i appear as an illusion and i reach forward and hold onto her, but sometimes the heats too hot and i get burnt and drop her as fast as I had her.
I hate the clouds that are surfacing and I hate that when I see me, I see the pain of how forgotten I was.
Not by the children. Never by the children. They saw me and held me and I could be freely myself with them. If ever you saw me with a child, then you knew me too. And lucky lucky you.
She's pretty great, hey? Silly and boistrous and pretty well knocks you over with her hugs. She is all love.I It's like somehow she just explodes into the essence she was made to be in the world. She doesn't even see it or plan to, infact she's often hidding that self away.
She crashes into the world like a million rainbow meteors! Leaving craters of beauty that radiate peace and warmth and belonging.
So why can't she belong to herself, or trust that this world that she loves so incredibly much might in fact love her.
When I visited Saltwater Waldorf School in September for the Michaelmas Festival, I was to put a flaw into the dragons mouth. I wrote - not letting myself feel Joy! or something to that effect. Heart breaking but definitely true. I don't allow happiness.
I am learning that in order to honour and love people I have remained in states of sadness, or even profound grief - because that's where they were at. I have gone with entering into their sorrow as how to live alongside them and carry their pain.
I am starting to think that if i can remain full of light, I can better care for them. That someone who is wounded can only welcome wounds to mingle in and that that is not a healing of the wounds.
In my life I have definitely been hugging others when i so very much needed to be hugged myself. I know you think hugs go both ways, but not when I am solely focused on the other person and beaming all my feelings of warmth at them.. really sending all of me to them in that moment.
The hope i suppose is that as I find the me's within this miasma of pain, that i will be able to be whole. That i will be able to absorb them into one solid me and that I will emerge with all of those parts that have been shunned and silenced and judged and understand that they are beautiful.
Not because I put a stamp on them as such, but because I truly feel that.
When I turned 40 I felt this quiet "meh" like a shrug. Like this was my life, the wonderful and the aweful and it was all okay.
Then sometime into my 41st year, it was like a giant wind spirit came whirling up with just one question.
You're okay with your life. No regrets. It's all complete. It is what it is. REALLY????
and that roar, like a distant dream, may have awoken the question in me.. or maybe life did with one trip home.. one trip that felt so incredibly different
a trip where I saw my life clearly. my life. the life i had chosen and the life that had happened to me and all the things that hadn't. I fell apart and was put back together.
My dad realized I was his daughter.
I found a soul friend, i'm not sure what else to call him. Someone who made me happy again, and strong and ready for all of this life! ready to fight for the me I'd lost.
It was like. I've got you. oh wait, you're going back out in the world, okay, well then here's some armour - a really cool sword.. and i'll send you clues along the way.. you're not alone..
And I was invited into a kitchen to bake and laugh and bump hips with my aunt. Oh! how I needed her. To laugh till we both snorted! To be ridiculous and wise. Lady Catherine & Sir Uncle of Renaissance days,
Moose and Unicorn. Holder of all of my dreams! :)
I know why Waldorf was so very important. It blends my german heritage with my farm upbringing. Homes both known and somewhere within me.
One of my losses is my HOME. 925. Even somehow Hillcrest Farm. and along the way Saltwater in Tin Town.
to be continued.. as i journey..
my life is now. Before Christmas 2019 and After Christmas 2019
Hey, BC and AC Nice.
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