I AM LISTENING
How many times have i had the same epiphany
only it was hidden in ramblings and wonderings
if only i had read this blog aloud so much earlier
the sign posts of my life have always been there
but i don't think i was ready
somehow i needed permission, from a friend, from a partner, from a parent, from a god.
Now it's unavoidable. It's Toaist if it's anything.
Just let go and live, and that will be you..if you don't try, then guess what you're authentically yourself
Just live. Just encounter. Trust that the things that went wrong were part of the story all along, or rail against them as unjust and deepen something in your compassion for the pain of others.
Philosophy and figuring things out and writing thoughts down is fine.. but you have to get out there and live your imperfect blustery life.
Your life.
And if you can do that, then others have permission to too. That's the greatest thing. If you are fearless or gentle or whatever, others will learn to find their freedom in themselves..
No don't live FOR someone's approval, but know that if you're living - your affecting.. so be you and you'll be like the rose or the kitten.. real
Not that this is the end of the blog, but in a dizzying summary so far: my childhood wasn't all dreamy
i was emotionally abused. And i was gifted fear and the need to be perfect from a very young age. Add that my identity and way to be valued lay in my virginity and that as a teenager i was pretty much ready to die for my faith. It was intense. I'm intense. not the best combination. A skewed patriarchal christianity that was primarily all head knowledge. Somehow i caught the beauty of loving others and the beauty of creation and that mingled with my already there spiritual child self was what was good about it all. And it was my grandfathers faith too. Thank God for him. Thank God for that. It's why there still remains some flickering of truth that warms me from those learnings. I never knew what it was I wasn't doing, but for sure I wasn't measuring up. God forgave me and loved me because of God being God .. not anything to do with me being lovable - nope, I was all wrong but God loved me anyway because he is awesome like that. And then with my dad, I was always wrong because I didn't know how or I didn't do it his way or I didn't do it the way other people did. I was silenced, the real me ...because he was silenced, the real him.. and I sensed this and refused to stand in the long line of people that had rejected him.. so I took it all on..because my heart stayed open for the wounding. I kept it open. I chose to see him as the child he was and not the man who was hurting my chances at being wholly and happily me in the world. I started hiding, i didn't even notice. But I only felt seen by a few people and it turns out (i see now!) it was because I only showed up as me with a very few people. And when I did and they delighted in that. Wow. It was a fucking surprise every single time. An undeserved gift. But I still hid a lot. And i am nervous about everything, cooking, biking, driving, money, employment and following my dreams. I hesitate or avoid it completely.. because in those first experiences, when those seeds were being planted.. my father - and his hereditary wounding were there..for all of it.. so my learning was always laced with fear and failure. Fact.
That's as much as I'd like to say for now.
But I'm 42 by the time we get to these words and I am just beginning to step into adulting..i'm glad it's a word, i need it..
I wonder who will take my hand and take me biking, take me driving, teach me to cook something.. whoever it is they need to be hella gentle and crazy patient - because they are meeting me at my most vulnerable.
P.s.
oh and i'll just put in here, that if love isn't safe. If your home isn't safe. If being perfect the first time seems to be the only way... then I will leave it to your imagination all the other spaces and places where fear shows up and failure follows. .. ya.. parenthood isn't going to be an easy road to get to.. marriage meant staying when you should go. No really. That was the underlying message. Stay. Just stay. The more you endure - the stronger your love. so ouch. And then in actuality, not having your parents actually maintain that as pretty much to the day you got married - they got divorced. Umm.. at least have the decency to end your marriage well before your child commits to their own.
So do I know where it all comes from. Yup. Do I need to somehow in someway close my heart off to the wound and wounder - so as to begin seeing who I am and to begin healing my relationships and walk wholly and happily in the world, probably. in some way. Yes. Am I mad at all my dad destroyed because he couldn't free himself. Yeah. Sry, but I am. I have some new found anger.. which for once, I will not enter as sadness.
Can I stop at the knowing whose fault it is that I carry so much fear? I can't. That won't heal me, that won't help anyone. I have to walk through every broken doorframe and across every shattered mirror..i have to go back through this house of hurt and find myself.. she's been alone a long time.. she is curled up in a corner and terrified - of course she is!
I have to find her and tell her that it's okay.
because it is.. or it will be.. it's gonna be okay xo oh, I'm also gonna tell her she's amazing! super brave! and can DO anything.. and no it won't be the way others do it.. it will be beautifully spectacularly uniquely the way she would do it. (sorry this is making me bawl my eyes out)
celebrating myself is the hardest thing. I'm going to try (please, do not even think this is wrong..it's necessary and healing)
and no it won't be the way others do it.. it will be beautifully spectacularly uniquely the way she would do it. Because... there is NO better WAY in all the Universes combined and When she bikes, and births and drives... She'll be actually alive!!
* no pressure on the birthing, its just there amongst the things i wish for daily.. so ya.. adoption is equally a way to have a kid & by the way, I used to think calling them kid was condescending.. Whaaaa....t? ever!
So. Maybe, if you have some thoughts, write them down and read them aloud. If you have pictures of dreams over the years, take them out and look at them.
Listen to your life. The Signs. The Exact combination to unlock yourself is right there. You don't have to go further than your heart. xo
Fight for the You the world is silencing!!! I think that person is abso-fuckin-lutely fantabulous!!!
Thanks for listening to the story so far...
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