Beginning to see my own bravery

I don't want to be braver - I want to WISH that I was! I don't want to be a mom of six, I want to WISH I could be! All of my longings and why am I not's - these very jealousies and sorrows are ME! This is hilarious. My pain is a punch line! How did I not realize, of course it would not go away, it will never go away, like a child wishing to be grown, like wanting to be a rockstar or live on the Moon. It's me to have a thousand lives that I have not yet lived. That is who I am I'm just a kid. Waiting for life to begin, looking in awe as all around them, everyone else can do it. Pouting " Why can't I?" Just like someone who wants to eat the whole pie. I'm breaking open and I'm breaking through and it's only taken a hell or two. Being full of anxiety and still not sure that I will make the right mistake, but I have to make at least one. Today I was delighted in whimsy as I had a bright magenta bath, due of course to my hair dye. I had asked myself if it would stain my body and tested to make sure it wouldn't, meanwhile not even taking a second to wonder if perhaps it would dye the white bathtub. When the water drained I saw the tub Blue! I loved it so much, but knew that wouldn't do in a world of practicality and taking care of things, I knew I had to scrub this bath tub until there was no longer a beautiful ring. And man! It was tough, and my hands are still hurting and I heard a lesson quiet and confirming coming from myself therefore full of love and understanding. Whoops! That bath was gorgeous and fun, but next time you'll dye your hair outside and be careful where the colour runs. And this kind of guidance I can easily accept, it comes from me and so I hardly fret and while I could argue against myself i see my own reasons and without judgement I learn. But the path that I walked was laid out for me clearly and I knew what to do and what wasn't allowed and when I hadn't even stepped off the path, I would get reprimanded or worse yelled at! So that what wasn't wrong, but a trying my best would be met with you've failed and you won't be a success. How utterly confusing, how awefully backwards, to think you could raise a child right with cruel words. I never ran away, except once to the backyard. I never disobeyed and my harshest word was O My God! as I slammed the backdoor. And now I realize that wasn't even commiting a sin, the heart is what matters - the words just keep score. I remember wanting privacy, I remember forgetting. I remember wanting to be seen as me. I remember Yelling the words - I love you!! And being tossed aside. My heart wasn't wanted. I didn't tote the party line. So if there is one thing I could actually wish away - it would be my upbringing and all that happened that day. And yet, the reason I know how to love in this world is I simply give others what I myself rarely heard and I hold people until they let go, and I listen because oh so long ago. I was silenced and ignored and only liked when I fit a mold. Because of my wounding, I can love and I can hold. Because of my wounding, I can see and I can hear Because of my wounding, I can give peace and not fear I guess I am becoming braver. And I have cared for more than six. All of my longings and why am I nots - maybe I am all those things if my life's not in knots. So I'll try to untangle the ones that I can and hope that the love of others will help the rest mend.