my dad

 beyond loss, there is awakening. 

I have been existing in the world as okay, and at home or behind the scenes with trauma-coloured glasses. 

I am terrified to leave the house and once i'm out, i'm fine - sometimes even exhuberant. 

I smile and say hello to strangers. I am not shy!

But I am almost in tears trying to get from the shower into clothes and into a coat and boots and out the door. It is so unbearable and i feel like i am not okay. 

I'm not! 

It was ingrained in me that I wouldn't make it in the real world. To do most things required the presence of my dad, which was like having an aweful scary soot monster around.. 

hey I think i want to draw my dad, like the vibe he gave. 

I wonder. hmmmm.