i like doing things differently.

i'm writing again.. because today, was definitely something significant..
thankyou for listing to my wandering thoughts. (May u always find a way to be free)

It's not so much that I have been trying to find myself - it's more specifically like I've been trying to find a way to be in the world without changing who I am. I realize that it is only a miracle that I have somehow not lost myself in the process of school and media and all of the lessons that say that we ever need to be more than we already are and have more than we do and give more than we are able.

I found a new rhythm in being unemployed. Sadly I was not able to truly plunge into the sweetness and healing because of course of the voices in my head and the pounding in my heart, saying that everyone else was at work or busy with something. Essentially saying, "How dare you be at home, the only acceptable way for you to be living this way, is if you had a child.. which you don't.. so you are wrong, selfish, depressed, lost, hurting, struggling" I didn't feel any of this, not in my truest self..but yet I believed the words enough to have a heavy dose of fear and panic wake me up in the morning and stay with me.

I fought it, in one of two ways. Having less expectations of myself saying that I only had to do one thing every day. Whether it was the laundry, applying for a job, writing a little bit to get ideas on paper,
cooking lunch, getting dressed. I only had to complete one task per day.

The other way, I escaped this, was when I remembered to pray, or not even that..but when I was quiet enough to remember that God was with me - right there in the apartment - and then, we'll it was awesome, we'd just hang out. He'd make me laugh and I'd fly so far abouve those feelings..and just be me - happy - safe. Since the only expectation he has of me, is to say thanks for the life I've been given and to watch for the reason I might have been put here in the first place.

watch, but NOT stress out.

It's not easy. You try! Unemployment, not even being able to talk about taking an African drumming class because you couldn't afford it.. and not knowing when you ever will be able to. It hurts. That's all.

"One can live on dreams.. but when you doubt your dreams, then what?"

But this about different. Like a fish out of water, I may have found my pond.

I spent about an hour in a Waldorf school today and I can't imagine ever EVER pursuing any other
way of education ever again.

The things I loved about the public system, now seem to be missing something.

It's like I've been flipped upside down, and it turns out it's easier to walk on ceilings than floors!!

I'm in love with the fact that I can be myself, not on friday nights and weekends and holidays, but every minute of everyday. That, after all these years, of keeping myself like a secret. It might be safe to be me.

I don't know if I had an interview or if anything professional took place at all. I only know, that I may have made a few real friends and I danced with a girl who laughed, with freckles on her face. That the children were covered in mud and no one minded and that we walked on desks.

It was like a gentle dance.
And I think they are the luckiest kids on Earth.

p.s. when i saw this, i wondered, what would have happened if i'd learned this as a child.

p.s. then i realized i wouldn't be experiencing this dawn of healing, hearing it for the first time now(this photo is blurry, because i was nervous, uncertain and happy..how could i hold a camera steady?)