confessions of an almost mom groupy

Wed. June 13  6:05pm

i just saw a brand new - just birthed little beautiful baby crying but not in a screamy way. So small, the nurses were going to bathe him or her, I think. It was amazing seeing the tiny baby lifted and turned to face downwards.. something hit me.. and I am pretty sure I cannot be in the delivery room for my friends birth

this is my favourite baby. i wanted to stay there by the window until i was shooed away.
i don't think i wanted to go in the room, maybe a little.

my feet felt funny and i was just in awe.
i don't think i could think about much at all.

I was there because my new friend who has been pregnant since we met, is about to be not pregnant any longer. The thing is no one knows when. She went to the hopital because it was going to be any minute now.. but was told she could go home ..and now it could be tonight or even tomorrow. I've been on alert for a few days now.

I wanted to stay at the hospital, but the waiting room is tiny and there are only four chairs.

So, my goal now, is to wait till I hear anything, and stay clean and comfortable, so that when I hold the baby, it is safe for her. I have constantly been thinking it will be a boy, but when I heard the name she has chosen for a girl, I'm really hoping it's a girl.

this is such a powerfully special time for me, because I always thought I would be there for the birth of my friends babies. I have missed them all. Thankfully, I see that I would not have been much help, and if anything either been a wreck or too adoring.

Apparently, birth is just something that you do. Who knew?  It happens. It's kinda a normal thing.
It's not at all! It's this colosal collision of almost and is. of invisible and seen. of hidden and revealed.

Reading the story of Genesis yesterday.. it really and truly is creation happening. I have to tone it down, and just stand around in a waiting room with a coffee and even my purse.. really, there is no
ceremony, guests don't wear clean robes, conversation is not entirely focused on the newborn to be.
Who knew?

Apparently lots of people.

Anyway. I am deeply greatful to this baby and her Mom (or his Mom) for allowing me to kinda be around. It is healing a lot of years of pain. I know that my friends had all they needed, loving family, husbands, and their new child. That I was exactly where I was suppose to be, thinking of them, praying for them, and visiting when I could.

I am thinking of each of you, as I think of her. It's amazing, but somehow, this birth is each of yours.