All I ever knew was that I wanted to go to Teacher's College. There was no sweeter sound, it was like all my dreams rolled into one word, all my hopes and all that i would be. I never thought about after, well, not often. I just wanted to get in - to go to Teacher's College. I remember often asking, "Is it okay to go to Teacher's College and not pursue teaching afterwards?" It was a big question. It made me hesitate when I applied and as I gathered the money, the oh so much money, to get me there.
It wasn't what I expected, and I realize it never could be, nor will teaching. My dream came from a book long long ago, I wanted to be a teacher - but I wanted to take a train far away and teach in a one room school house. My vision did not include being married or being in my thirties. It did involve wearing dresses though, I think.
My other dream was to teach where teachers are needed. In schools without much of anything. Where education can save lives and bring freedom ( I know education can do that anywhere) but i mean where teachers are really needed.
Yet, I find myself somewhere where you have to fight to teach. Where teacher's college, years of experience with students in inner city contexts and overseas is not enough. Where I am at the bottom once again. I am so very proud of the new teachers who are climbing this mountain. Those who are supply teaching, who are on call and who are in many cases working other jobs in the meantime. I am proud of them and I recognize the incredible feat that it is and priveledge that it is. To be a supply teacher is to be teaching.
But, it's not a fight i'm up for. I don't like selling myself and competing with others. I don't like the weight of the hoops that have to be jumped. Mostly, I can't wait that long for a classroom. I have always become quite attached to students, wondering if I could handle only having kids for a year at a time. There is something beautiful about the Waldorf method of having the same students from kindergarten to grade eight. You get to really know eachother, and grow together. You become a family. Clearly, it's not for everyone and it's not even an option in the public schools. At the very least I need to be at one school, to have the opportunity to bump into students I had the year before, to sometimes see them in the hallways. During practicum it was very difficult to leave, especially after the first one. It was a tease. Here I was with a school, a class. I was slowly integrating myself into the community there, just beginning to get to know other teachers and just starting to speak with parents when school let out - and suddenly, I was fired. Not really, but that's how it felt. It was a tease. I know that to be in different schools, with different principles, and students would wreck me. I wouldn't last, and I would probably abandon teaching.
So, then I'm left with private schools and alternative teaching options, like tutoring or running programs through libraries and museums. I've actually been excited about some of these options - but they haven't been here. And I just don't know if I should pick up and move to a city and start all over. It would be awesome to have good transportation and live the urban life once more (more on that another time) but to move for a part time or contract position would do nothing to help me settle- to help me stay!
and i know i need to stop leaving!
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