The Story so far..

I went to teachers college ( we're not suppose to call it that anymore), graduated and was offered a position teaching in Northern Manitoba.

"Welcome to the team!" or something like that, the sweetest words I had unknowingly been waiting for my entire life. I had done it, or had miraculously come to the place of being offered a full time position as an elementary school teacher. My own class, my own kids! I began to imagine meeting them and some days felt that I already had. Their faces floated before me, their eyes looking up quietly after the bustle of the everyday classroom activities. But, I let them down.

I never came to class.

My husband had an interview for a position in British Columbia. Accepting this job, would mean moving us both up North and never knowing the outcome of the interview. Had he been offered the job - my decision might have been easier to make, but this was an interview, an unknown, the idea of taking away his "chance" at a job and possibly a chance at a future for both of us was hard to think about. I would have everything, and he would do online studies? Could we stay there for a while, build a life, put down roots? or would it mean moving a year or two later? But, I would be a teacher!!! A real teacher!! My dream would become tangible. Our life could begin.

Staying up all night at my grandparents farm, I wrote two letters: one excitedly accepting the offer and the other regretfully, painfully declining. I cried and cried. I believed I had never been so torn in all my life. The next morning, I sent the one that said no.

and my husband had the interview, and was offered the job. We hugged, I was happy for him and happily confused about the upcoming move to Vancouver Island.

I've always felt, and still do, that there are certainly a lot worse places we could have found ourselves then this little piece of paradise...but is beautiful enough?

Finding myself in a small town city island place..I had a strong sense of not knowing where to begin. I knew only one thing.

I wanted to take an art class!

I was offered a Nanny position which was part time and would have been perfect. Not only was the Mother a teacher and the Father a writer, but they saw me -somehow- and cared about me finding my place in the Valley. I often wonder and mostly believe I made a huge mistake..even though I stayed up nights (again) and cried my eyes out (again) there was another job offer at the same time and I thought it was wise to go with it instead. I was extatic, I was going to be an art teacher! Suddently, everything was clear! I felt like God had not abandoned me. I was special, I was loved, I was going to have my cake and eat it too! This was the dream I had forgotten about, that I hadn't realized. Of course, I wanted to go to Art School after elementary school, but had not. I wanted to major in Theatre in University, but had not. I wanted to apply for an Art Education program instead of taking my B.Ed but had not. So many loses, so much pain, so much regret. I couldn't believe it! I didn't go to art school and here I was fully immersed in clay and painting and drawing and also with young kids! It couldn't be better..

...but it turned out that the job was more of a business and to be completely honest felt a little too communist..with everything having to be the same as all the other art schools since it was a chain and having less freedom to design the programming then I would have had as an elementary school math teacher. So I took a picture of myself in the programs tshirt looking like the world was about to end and all my dreams had been crushed, thought about the company slogan I was inspired by, and about the fact that it was a slogan.

and wrote this;

You cannot market a person

for what they have inside is greater than

the weight of a decal or the power of a company

Why do we listen when someone says that we must

shut away some part of ourselves, wear this uniform, say

these greetings?

Why do we feel that we have become a number

- a one amoung many - replaceable - expendable - invisible?

Why did someone tell the First Nation men and woman to line

up and how come they could not be told instead how amazing they were?

If you say we are nothing we will believe it.

I don't know why and I wish it could stop.

but here is something for you to remember

although you declare it and expect it

although you may believe you have done it.

you cannot market a person.

After this, confusion, I landed another perfect job, teaching EsL at a small school in the area. I loved the vision of the directors to have an experiential English school. There was so much that excited me and I was amazed to have found a multicultural connection in such a small place. What an honour and a priveledge. I quickly became overwhelmed and felt bullied by my students. I can't think about this without feeling sick. All I know is that something was wrong.

I quit -without notice- for the very first time in my life. I broke my own heart and walked away from what may have been an incredible and unique teaching career.

I have realized that loyalty has a dark side.I knew it was a problem, but it was while reading a Percy Jackson novel, that I found out it could be someone's kriptonite. It might very well, be my own.

I would have stayed for years at that job, being hurt and being the best robot version of myself, every couple of days I wake up compelled to call and ask for another chance. Yet, deep down I know that my heart was not in it. I hated myself for leaving. I still haven't forgiven myself.

Yet, for some reason, I am desperate to protect myself and to find a vocation where I don't perform incredibly, but where I exist fully. A place where I'm aloud to be me!

I'm not sure why I left, or at least that's what I keep saying. Perhaps, I fell apart because I wasn't ready for all that. I am always drawn to “all or nothing”positions where I am at the centre making everything work, but I couldn't have the spotlight on me. I couldn't, to be honest, even have a beam of light from a flashlight on me. Not right now, anyway, and not then. I needed to get away.. ... and so since December I have been in my apartment.

Beautiful days have gone by, I have had great times reading and experiencing revelation. I have even felt well, have twirled around and smiled out the window. But, I am not ready to be in the world. Wherever I go, I say too much or I say nothing and either way I get hurt. I feel SO much pressure to be SO much that I am not and do SO much that I cannot. I don't expect anyone to understand..because I can't explain it. I just, don't know.

So, as uncharacteristic as it might seen, I am a hermit. I am afraid of people.

I am especially afraid of myself.

Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel only hate and anger, and sometimes I am at peace. I never know what I'm going to feel or how I'm going to react. I only know that I can't hide and that I will be completely transparent - which right now - is not a safe thing to be.

So.. I am back to where I was in July 2011, I know only one thing.

I want to take an art class.

Honestly, I want to enroll in an art program and there is a great one at a college nearby, but I have neither the portfolio of ark work that is required to apply- nor do I have the four thousand dollars that it takes to attend.

So, here I am. Knowing I'd love to start over and get an Art degree, be it design, fine art, writing or something I haven't even considered. I would love to meet other Artists and dream together of how to create and make the world better. I would love to study Art Therapy. I would love to run Art programs for children who can't afford it. I would love to be a full time Artist as my profession.

But, I don't have the money and I've put so much of my life into teaching. For now, it seems that finding work of somesort is important. I need to try and set aside all my wishes and hopes, and fear of commiting to the wrong thing, and just get a pay check.

I don't like money - as a goal, anyway. I don't know what it's like to have a part-time job.

I've never done that before.

Well, once, when I worked at the Bay over Christmas. That was terrible.I'm more of a vocation type. Anyone who works the cash, waitresses etc.. these so called "part time jobs" that any highschooler could do. I say, "you are magicians and geniuses!" I know I could never do that, and I am amazed and so very proud of anyone who can.

i wish they could know how amazing they are!

I am pretty scared to trust myself at all, but can't remain unemployed.

p.s. My journey is Much bigger than needing a job, and I know that finding work will not heal me, but it is a practical step in finding my place and something that will get me "out of the house" and into the world!