Fear is standing between me and my dreams. Fear I can't climb over.
Money too – is trapping me – but so are my good intentions and my beliefs.
I need to take each and every one of these things, place them carefully on an imaginary
table and throw my arms across the table knocking all of it to the floor.
It would even be good for some of the things to smash irreparably into dust
I need a clean table. I need to place only the true -the good -the lovely on it. I'm
too tired to search for myself and I don't even think that's a search worth taking because I could get lost in unanswerable things –because I don't think I could ever get myself – what i'm trying to do is just find enough of me to move forward – to live!
To breathe. To laugh.
What I fear is that if I don't heal – if I don't get hold of a life I'm happy to be
wasting my time at :) then, I will give up.
What I fear is that if I don't heal – if I don't get hold of a life I'm happy to be
wasting my time at :) then, I will give up.
Giving up is easy – its not depression, it's not self harming,it's just a self hatred that will slowly turn all the hurts I carry into a darkness and uncaring sigh of, “oh well -no one ever said
life was good -and no one ever said that dreams come true – for so many life is literally a living hell! So,it is what it is, and at least there were some great times in the past."
life was good -and no one ever said that dreams come true – for so many life is literally a living hell! So,it is what it is, and at least there were some great times in the past."
I always thought it was selfish, to be happy, to follow your dreams. I have always just
tried to do everything for others and carry as much as I could. I have always placed myself in a place where I was literally holding up the ship. I once heard that great leadership is when you can leave and the organization or the people or the program carries on without you. If it all falls apart when you leave, something is wrong.
tried to do everything for others and carry as much as I could. I have always placed myself in a place where I was literally holding up the ship. I once heard that great leadership is when you can leave and the organization or the people or the program carries on without you. If it all falls apart when you leave, something is wrong.
I guess, that's what I'm saying.. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate that I'm only human.
I hate it. I want to be everything to everyone – and can't even let myself be loved.
Soooo, this is the great storm.. the heavy rain that you can't see through...and I look
forward to writing the date (day-month and year) that I am whole again!
I hate it. I want to be everything to everyone – and can't even let myself be loved.
Soooo, this is the great storm.. the heavy rain that you can't see through...and I look
forward to writing the date (day-month and year) that I am whole again!
just thinking about that day makes my eyes sparkle with excitement :)
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