suddenly seen

a dear friend just wrote to me, and i feel as though my whole blog could end.

i feel at peace. real, breathe in-breathe out, peace.



i feel understood and i feel suddenly like maybe so much that i feel i need to change, tweak and remake of myself is perhaps not so necessary.



i want to be humble, i want to see my faults and not so much the faults of others.

this is so very true and necessary, but i also want to be gentle - even kind to myself in the process



reading her inspirational reminder about the early years of development being largely due to imitation, i suddenly feel like, maybe it's not terrible that i imitate others, in their ways or life, their interests, their values. Maybe it's not so important to be sure of who i am, and that it's okay to be a blend of those i've encountered. Maybe, identity comes from identifying.



anyway, i can't help it. I'm not trying to be someone else, i'm not wishing myself away, I'm just so in love with others I become them.



Not everyone, mind you. But certain people I have known. Their voices, their laughter, their drawings, their thoughts, their questions have formed me.



I know that much of me is my mom and dad too. This is harder for me to be open too.

To see parts of me in vivid overwhelming brightness! It is too much.



I am not able to unravel myself and begin again. It is a beautiful thought, but I think I would be left

with absolute clarity, but would have lost much of my sight.



I wonder if it's not only people that make me, but flowers and clouds, overheard whispers and the night darkness.



I have not lost my wonder. I only hide it because not everyone is safe to trust.



"Look world, Look!!!" and once again, I want to tell everyone about a black bunny in a small grassy place - who is frightened and thumping his foot hard against the earth.



I have NEVER seen a bunny stomp his foot.



It's fear and bravery. It is a struggle. It is a moment of decision, before the bunny flees.

It is hope, it is wondering if maybe things will be okay while it's heart races and tells it something might be very wrong.

the rabbit flees..but only a little ways, before stopping to nibble at the grass.

trusting again.


It seems that it is true, Sometimes, "The most radical thing you can do is to stay put"

Gary Snyder


this post is dediated to child-hood friends and little black rabbits.