Before I moved here, I went online to see what little cafe's and shops were about in this small city I was to live in. I wanted to have a few things to look forward to and to begin visualizing my life ahead.. maybe.. I don't know, it was just my reaction once I knew we'd be living here.
I found a wonderful store called, Be
While reading what they stood for - a clothing label's ideals - I was almost emotional.
This was going to be my slogan, my direction, my moto.
be
-verb-
to exist
to live
to continue
It was simple - and yet to actually be. To live in the world as authentically and honestly you as possible is a dangerous and difficult thing to do. At least it is for me. Because I know what to say and do to have everyone find me delightful, and I also know what to keep hidden from others because if they ever knew, well, they'd run or at least never bother to hang out with me. But, it's not so much the expectations of others, and the whispering dare's from sociaty, and the pressure to be an awesome wife and friend and disciple - yup. being kind and loving and realy treating everyone like they are precious creations.
it's more than that.
It's My own expectations of myself. They go off in so many directions I can't even keep up with my day dreams let alone my actual life in all it's wishes and wants and should's and what if's. It's exhausting.
So what are all the me's I can't live up to - and why can't I give myself a break. After all - I don't place these expectations on others, or at least I don't think I do.
I have to be a blazing fireball of constant energy and excitement ..or I am nothing.
I have always wanted to find out where the greatest need is and sign up for that!
I read about Mother Theresa in Calcutta.. and i'm afraid, but I want to go. I hear about people living amoung the poor - living where it's dangerous and I want to be them. I hear about countries looking for people to care for children in orphanages and I want to go there.
I cry, I'm ready to pack. It's all i've ever wanted - it's the only thing that makes sense.
And then, I want to be on a farm - or part of an intentional environmentally sensitive community. Where people share everything and grow together as a unit. Where the whole idea of personal belongings and privacy, isn't really embraced - and where people embrace eachother. I want to learn how to plant gardens and tend to gardens. I want to get up at 6:00am and live according to daylight. I want to be dependant on and aware of nature as a sibling, as a presence, as something real. I want to be small and part of.
But then, oh I love the city! I want to be connected to the Arts community and go to cafe's that have live music, and poetry reading. I want to meet the musicians and know them and talk with them. I want to go often and join in. I want to sing again! I want to read poetry in front of a crowd. I want to
be somewhere where shopping is understood - where it isn't shopping.. but a wonderful respectable way to explore and inhabit living art.
perhaps the only way to still play dress up and live in a land of makebelieve, when you are in your thirties!
Then. As I have so prepared, I do very much want to be part of a school. To lead drama programs, maybe a musical - to teach environmental awareness and to have elementary children that care and are active in social justice and caring for those in their class, in their school, and in the world.
But, where am I in all of this.
how can I want to buy knee high leather boots one day.. and want to own nothing the next!
It might be a struggle of living, a conversation that is meant to take place, and is good.
I don't know much. I know that I am reading and it has been so long since I have really read. novel after novel. I have made the decision since returning to Canada, for the past two years I have been a vegetarian. I know that I can't breathe if Art is not in my life.. and I am SO thankful that Art is everywhere..
In the movement of a blanket, in the colours of the leaves, in the buttons of a two year olds jacket.
In the brightness of all the shades of my friends eyes!
In the sunlight.
The bible says it best, Cease Striving and Be.
There are all the me's I'd like to me. There are the me's the whole world see's
and then there's the me.. the whatever-it-is I was designed to be.. that if I stop running after all of these things.. I already am.
See, it's a mystery. Just existing. living. continuing
but I think I'd like to try it
No comments:
Post a Comment