being me

I worry that this is all so narcissistic - but this is all the stuff i've been dealing with that is hitting me like a wave of ice in this time of standing on shifting sand. So, please be patient.

I have always had an ability, a gift to get along with pretty much everyone - and be cameleon like in my personality - but the down side to that - to blending with those i love- is that i am not totally myself.

I have always had a friend in every stage of my life, whom I not only cared for deeply, but whom I wanted to immitate in some way. It's not a following exactly, but more a gathering..like bringing rocks home from the beach, to remember. Like keeping the stickers and little coloured pieces of string stuck to my clothes after a day with kids. It's gathering, it's keeping.

I absorb my friendships like a sponge does with water, and find them sloshing around inside me
both in memories and in the things they love. but.. I get a little lost.

I can name the girls I want to be and be with - and they are not always my age. The best thing I copied, was a camper who was probably seven or eight years old - maybe younger. She wore several neclaces at once.. and after that.. so did I.

I really like being part-of.. yet I have a personality that stands out.
so strange. I would love to buy a matching pair of boots with someone, to have the same jacket as someone, to have the same jewlery as someone.

secretly I do. I have often gifted someone with something - and kept one for myself. It's the best friend heart neclace concept. I wish everything I had was second hand from someone I knew.

I'm a little bit sad that I don't have a bridesmaid dress from my own wedding.. course I don't, I had a wedding one.. but I feel a little left out.

(that's interesting to think about would i rather be one of the bridesmaids, than the bride?)

Then again, to go out there and find something that I like - not because of anyone else - just because I like it. I think there would be freedom in that.

Like keeping my hair long! It's me. Like wearing glasses! It's me.

But then again, I love the learning and growing togetherness of friendship. Suddenly knowing a song, or a poem that you never knew before. Suddenly loving something you never would have otherwise.. because they love it so much.

I should have been a twin.
I know deep down I'm longing for a best friend.
One person I mean the world to, who means the world to me.

I'm not so good at sharing.

now you know,