An appology

I have lived under this: that my dreams are gone, that the best of my life is behind me, that all the things i want to have in my life, all that i see as a life worth having I don't have, may have to wait years for, or might never have. This is so painful and makes me carry a sadness with me. I want to hope that I will be freed from this, delivered, rescued.

What I needed, was to stop wishing for another life and to love the one I have been given.

So, I'm sorry for wanting my life. The life I design and dream up. I want the life designed for me

by the Creator. I can have a heart that's full of desire for change and not necessarily see that change in visible things, like where i live and who I hang around. It's not all or nothing. Once again. I must realize this.

When I say "this isn't the life I want - and I know exactly what life I want!" It hurts Alastair.

Of course it would. It would hurt me. Yet I say, that's not what I mean, that he doesn't understand and that it's not about him. Isn't it?

That's exactly what i'm saying. I want another life. That everything up to now is wrong. That it was right for a little while, but now it's all gone. It's over - lost.

It hurts Al & It hurts God.

I need to stop wanting to be someone else, and stop wanting someone else's life.

I need to have the courage to accept me, accept where I am.

not just accept it, but get excited about it.

Yes, I can jump into the life I want. But life should unfold naturally, it shouldn't be forced, it shouldn't be a constant striving.

Eyes to see Cherry Blossoms. Mouth to speak and ask questions. Heart to feel, pain and joy.

There is worth in that. My life has value. There is something I have - right now - that is of such incredible worth and wonder, that if I were to lose it, I would long for it more than anything I am longing for now.

For too long I have been a tree wishing that I were a river.

How wonderful to be a tree who wishes I were a tree.

I want to realize if I wasn't me, I would be wishing that I was.

It's time to wish for who I am and wish for the life I already have.