avalanch

okay ouch..


this is what it is to slip.

there is so much noise and so far to run, when I have no strength to even take a step.
it's not just the present: not having work. It's so much more than that. While I never specifically had a plan for my life, I did have deep dreams that would occasionally surface through random comments.

I want to see South America. I want to go to India. I'd like to visit Greece.
I really really wanna adopt. I might be open to having a child by birth sometime after that.. (this is the unanswerable question) I'd like a studio space. Somewhere to paint, scrapbook. I'd like a dark room. I'd like to have a friend to just be silly with.. to throw paint at and wear ridiculously fancy dresses and go for tea.

I didn't think I would be so far from these hopes and dreams.

I'm just at the very beginning. I need to get into a school, and then teach for a bit. I always thought I'd teach for a few years before being a mom. Now it just seems like I need to do it all now! And I can't.

Like I said, I can't even take the first step.

I need a hug for every cup of coffee I'm taking throughout this day.

I am trying to fit into other people's days and moments, and I am thankful for this. But I know where I wanna be.. I just don't know how to get there..

Sometimes I think letting go of the dreams might be the only was to heal. Because everyday it hurts a little more.

I guess I thought I'd be the daughter with generations to guide me and others for me to care for. Just a ripple in the pond, a face in the circle. Happy Surrounded.

I feel so alone. Surrounded in glass. Untouched.

I want to run around and smash the glass and free us all to run into the streets. I wish I was as powerful as the first snowfall.. I wish I could gather everyone together.

Like a newborn. without this touch, I am dying.