when i lost Saltwater..
i thought - "oh so this is what doing right and being committed and loving and caring get's you"
misunderstood. abandoned. left outside or set outside.
i fell from the clouds that day.
and the reality felt refreshing, but not for long.
and that was that.
i had lived my life one way and gotten no where.
no child.
no dream job.
no where.
in fact i had lost my life. my world. my community.
my trust in who i was. my trust in my intuition.
and i stumbled. through many blacked out days
until somehow there was someone who listened. and saw me, somehow.
in one conversation. then there was painting and seeing the world again
and then there was community. friendship. children.
and still.. it wasn't a fit.. i think i was grieving along side all of them
with them even.. i needed them to heal me.. i didn't realize this of course..
but my time there was so meant to be..
but what is this time of my story.
it's a not yet.
I'm still in the healing space, though beyond that community away from those kids.
i have their love from a distance and all the misses.
but this is a time carved out for questions and encounter
but it's becoming a little too wild and a little too scattered.
i need to write.
i need to paint when i have time.
this has been a time of loss of those who were my heart anchors
of the people i wanted to thank for being so significant to my life
who touched my soul forever
and in this is painful conversations and time apart
and in this is letting myself feel all the complications of love
and when i come through it
i will have who i have, i will know who i know, and i will hopefully
stand in myself - maybe for the first time.
actually happy. actually whole.
and then i'll be ready to answer what and where and how?
but i know i am in another place altogether - this is my ashram year.
this is my souls journey.
to find my
hearts call
