How to begin?
when i am going to be more vulnerable than ever before.
I am forty one nearly forty two, i have only a few weeks to go and rather than being more clear on who i am and closer to a life well lived, i am coming completely undone.
I see three paths for myself, one is to be with someone i miss and see how it goes. that path is the most unknown.. it is the one that seems to be going backwards.. i would not be on the island, at least not at first and i would upset a lot of people and hurt someone who i never ever ever want to hurt.
This is the path that is calling me.
Then there is the deepest call to have a child. To know it now as my eggs diminish as the ones that remain could be healthy or could be damaged, just from waiting too long. It's too painful to think on. I still have all the fears and wonderings that have kept me from embracing pregnancy thus far. But, i think if i never have a roundness of belly and never feel a child squirm from within me, It will be a harrowing loss. One I am not ready for. I am scared, so scared. It feels that the chance may have already passed me. I am weakened by this thought.
There is adoption, the original dream, the path I saw as the way when pregnancy had no shine for me. We have started the process, what? three times now. Something always slows it down or causes it to be shelved for a while.
And now. Now to pursue being a mother when things are the most unsteady than they have been ever?
It doesn't seem wise, but I am only growing older. And this week when the snow fell for a few days and then began to melt, when it was fall - then winter - then spring in one month. This is how fast life is going for me.
And I want to say that whatever happens will happen, but i do feel in all this that i must choose a direction. My heart is still steadily wanting to go home and let that strong happiness be mine for a while, and yet if I go now, am I giving up my last hope to have a child within me (if, as i've said the time has not already passed)
So mostly I'm scared because I don't know where I'm going.
So what brings me peace is just this unpacking. Getting rid of what I can and letting my world grow small.and I suppose watching and feeling it all.
Alastair and I had two beautiful nights under the moon. It was fleeting but so special. And it felt that we were becoming something new. Our feet in the snow, me in a goddess gown. I was being me and he was around. And there was the tree that inspired it all.
This tree like a doorway to something magical. A realm that only opens once in a while.
And then there are more flowers around me then Ive ever received. There are many colours of tulips blooming and gerba daisy's - the first flower that from Alastair I received. And then in another window a single rose stands so tall. Three types of flowers, that speak to it all.
Devotion and reminising. A beginning again. And he said, his flower shopping he didn't want to bring to an end. He wanted to buy more to keep gathering and gathering.
There's a Robin outside, trying to pull from the earth something.
I guess I'll keep cleaning this house that is ours, and just keep my distance from the other life that calls.
I am a little bit angry at the whole situation. Without a storm in my heart, I would know my direction.I would be able to drink in all this bliss, a new house, the bright sunshine on unexpected sparkling snow and all between Alastair and I that's about to unfold.
