I have realized that I don't know if anything is true.
Not "ANYTHING" but the things I say. It seems like what is true is the quiet that finally comes over me - when I am sitting in the grass in the sunshine.. with nothing in particular on my mind. Being that much in the present is the only thing that is real.
I am grateful when it happens, though it is rare. I realized today that I might not be ready for a friend.
I mean, I thought I wanted to settle - to stop moving - to have a life here ( or somewhere soon) but I'm meeting people, they are being kind to me, i am being invited to things but it's just not clicking.
I think I need to admit that it's not clicking because I'm not clickable. Not now. Right now, while I crave community, I need solitude. I am happy with a book and with a slow and quiet day. It seems I may not be the gregarious outgoing girl I once was. What changed? Finding someone who loved me for me and let me embrace my quieter side or perhaps it was living in Japan and wanting to be sweet and soft spoken. Perhaps it's that I have always thought too much about everything and am just not able to put on "any sort of performance" even if it's just the performance of being "interesting"
When you're lost, you need direction, you need someone to follow. It's not a great time to take on the world, it's not a good time to be a leader. It makes sense. Things always do when I don't really think about it and am honest about what it is.
So, is what I'm saying now, truth. I don't know for sure, but i feel that it is close to it.
I write here often. Sometimes I am brave enough to post what I write, and sometimes I am not.
Once I prayed. I thought it might be neat to post it, but decided to keep that for me.(For now)
But, that's how honest I'm trying to be
Not hiding from myself.
p.s. the following are some posts i've been holding onto... also there are some from months ago just posted today, if you're curious you can look for them.
